Collateral Bloggage

That’s right, folks! We have measurable amounts of snow…fractions of an inch. Stop the presses…it’s WINTER STORM 2005!!! Fortunately, the news crews are working overtime ensuring that nobody gets to watch anything worth watching on television tonight. Nice of them.

The actual nasty part is, we’re expecting freezing rain tonight, and Portland (OR) is woefully underprepared for such storms. I do not fear the storm, I fear the Oregon drivers - like high drivers - who think, “Yeah, man, I kin drive in this! No prob.”

Seriously, folks. I’ve never once griped at someone for wishing me a Happy President’s Day, or Happy Independence Day. I’ve never really even complained (but that streak is over) about Depressed Single People Buy More Chocolate Day (otherwise known as Valentine’s Day) or Male Guilt Day (also known as Valentine’s Day). Why? Well, it boils down to one thing: I live in the United States, and these are official National Holidays of the United States.

Christmas is a National Holiday. Except it. Get over it. Celebrate it, or don’t celebrate it. Do or do not…there is no try. Oops…Yoda moment. You don’t need to see my identification…d’oh!

What was I griping about? Right. Christmas. Get over it. If you celebrate Channukah, may it be a happy one. Kwanza…ummm…sorry, got nothing. But please remember which one results in the Post Office being closed. If somebody wishes you Merry Christmas, just smile, say thank you, or just walk on. Grumble to your friends if you must, but don’t ruin the official holiday for the rest of us.

There are a few good reasons to take your hands off the wheel while driving. They are (in no particular order):

1. To scratch something.
2. To switch stations on the radio (if you have an old car without the controls on the wheel)
3. To grab the cuppajoe and have a sip
4. To shift (if you’re a Standard fan)

And that’s pretty much it. There are a few other reasons, but none of them rise to “good reason” status. But the one thing that should NEVER be done is “the wave.” Here’s an illustration.

I pull up to a stop sign and patiently await my turn. I know when my turn will come, for I have read the stinkin’ drivers manual. It’s not rocket science. However, the moron to the right of me hasn’t, and he gives me that little wrist flap that says “I’m an idiot and don’t know it’s my turn. I’m worried that if I take my turn, I’ll be considered <gasp> assertive. I drive defensively.” No, sir, you drive OFFensively, for I am offended that you don’t know your right of way rules.

RTDM, people. Read The Drivers Manual. Learn the right of way, and use it. Turn left on red from a one-way to a one-way left. It feels good. Turn left on red from a two-way to a one-way left. It feels great, especially when you look in your rearview and see the shocked expression on the face of the moron behind you.

Side note: Don’t give cyclists the wave, either. We also know the rules of the road, and we know you’re bigger than us. No offense, but we don’t trust you. And don’t give my 4-year-old the wave when he’s on his bike, either. I am trying to teach him to NOT ride in front of cars.

In summary, I’m accustomed and even used to having various fingers waved at me. Just don’t use the whole hand.