Collateral Bloggage

I could rant about song choice this week, but everybody already knows how poor the choices were. So, I’ll gripe about “the digits”. This is the phenomenon where Ryan comes up and announces the phone numbers, the number is printed on the screen, and the contestant somehow feels the need to put up fingers, proving that “Yes, I can count.” I can’t bring myself to vote for someone who does this. I think it’s probably a nervous thing, but I just don’t care for it.

Actually, I think the contestant is trying to trick me into voting for him/her. Just a little harmless prestidigitation.

Katharine McPhee - “All in Love is Fair” - I don’t know how far in advance the singers know in what order they’ll be performing, but if you’re first, you’ve GOT to go with something with drums. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. If not, you run the risk of being boring. Still, Katharine has it going on. Big time. A little nasal in places, but she’s still a stud.

Kinnik Sky - “Here For the Party” - Oh boy. I suppose it was just a matter of time until somebody started shouting into the microphone instead of singing. Not impressed. So I guess drums aren’t panacea. That, and she seemed tired by the end of it.

Lisa Tucker - “I Wonder Who’s Lovin’ You” - I think Simon was right on this week, because although she’s good, much of what she does well you could see in an eight-year-old on Star Search. The sustained, heavy vibrato, the insane eyebrows, it’s just a little put on to me. Still, she can definitely sing. I just hope to see a bit more REAL from her.

Melissa McGhee - “Why Haven’t I Heard From You?” - She’s not my favorite, by far, but she rocked tonight. THIS was the kind of song that the first singer should be singing. Very well done. Simon took a break from reality on this one.

Heather Cox - “Hero” - Let’s see…not a real good experience last week, so what’s the solution? How about take on Mariah? Maybe even a very overrated, schmaltzy song? Can’t miss!!! Basically good-ish Karaoke, but definitely not great.

Brenna Gethers - “Last Dance” - Well, she *did* call her shot there, saying the votes will reflect how good she was, but that song was doo-doo, and the performance was poopy, too. Again, she went with a wimpy key and it was just completly lackluster.

Paris Bennett - “Wind Beneath My Wings” - Sorry, but we really don’t need to hear this song anymore. Seriously. Let it go. The one nice thing about this was, I actually wanted to see a different side of Paris than “Generic R&B Artist”. Still, was it just me, or did it look like she kept smelling really strong flatus?

Ayla - “I Want You to Need Me” - I admire that she shakes from her own vibrato. Can’t underestimate the value of that. But, taking on Celine? Really? Mix in some fun, please!

Kellie Pickler - “Something to Talk About” - I was prepared to be unimpressed, but wasn’t. Her vocal waveform started clipping a bit on the high notes (intentional geekiness inserted…I’ll explain if asked about ‘clipping’), but she did herself proud this week. TFE commented that Heather has more of an old school (Dolly Parton) voice, as opposed to the new Pop Country.

Mandisa - “Cry” - I wasn’t blown away, but she made it her own. A little too much shouting for me, but she’s still a keeper to me (oh, I mean “to may”…just a parting jab regarding Mandisa’s last note/word).

I had a really hard time coming up with rankings this week. Pretty much everybody from 3-8 got a “meh” from me. Still, it must be done. So, my rankings:

1. Melissa
2. Mandisa
3. Katharine
4. Kellie
5. Lisa
6. Paris
7. Ayla
8. Heather
9. Kinnik
10. Brenna

I think Brenna’s gone, in contradistinction to her haughty prediction (remember what a haughty spirit precedes!), but the other unfortunate soul is tough to call. I’d guess Heather will get the “redundant blonde” exit that Jessica Sierra got last year. But Kinnik was completely forgettable, too. Toss-up. I’ll take credit for either exit…

As a Week 01 Semifinal contestant, the sentence you should look to avoid goes by this formula: “Contestant, the thing we liked about you was X, and what we saw from you tonight was Y.” You need to play to your strength the first week…and maybe the second and third. This is NOT the time to “show the judges another side” of yourself, unless you’ve got some notion that the judges are looking for something different from you. Otherwise, dance with the one who brung ya.
Patrick Hall - “Come to My Window” - Doh! Not Bread! Definitely not my favorite song choice, and I had to agree with Paula about his performance of “If” in Hollywood. That’s what I want to see from him. This…not so much. But he *should* be safe. But he’d have been better served by taking my advice.

David Radford - “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” - Paula said he “carried on,” and I’d have to agree with that. It seemed put on to me, like it was a big act. There’s something I really despise about his act. Now, he basically stuck with my advice, but I can’t really explain him even being in the Semis.

Bucky Covington - “Simple Man” - And my ears continue to bleed. It’s really bad for my leather recliner. And my clothes. I have no idea what the judges were hearing, but he was just barely off for nearly the entire song. I actually liked the song choice for him, but it was just terrible. As far as my advice goes, he did well, and I give him some credit for being true to his style. But not much credit…

Will Makar - “I Want You Back” - It was basically Karaoke to me, and not exactly great. Still, it was reasonably pleasant. Had to side with Simon on this one, though. Not sure where he fits with my advice. Very little to say, really.

Sway Penala - “Reasons” - With falsetto, less is more. Yeah. The Klingon death scream was mildly impressive, but the rest was a train wreck. I expected smoov, but got…well, words fail me. I didn’t get it. And his outfit looked like it jumped out of the video for “Smooth Criminal.”

Chris Daughtry - “Wanted Dead or Alive” - He could still use some life in his face while he’s singing, but he rocked it out. Still, we’re basically seeing Power but little Finesse…which reinforces my thought that he could run out of gas in the Finals. But he’ll make the Finals. Oh, and BTW, he seems to have realized that my advice was basically common sense.

Kevin Covais - “One Last Cry” - It’s interesting, because this song has taken down its share of contestants, but I really liked what he did with it. Know what he did well? He stayed within himself and didn’t try for too much (such as singing it in the original key). I actually loved it. It wasn’t a great performance, but it was such a pure vocal. He has a great tone and could really be good with some training and some speech therapy (but he’ll never be an American Idol). Simon was just plain off his meds. Nice of Ryan to try and get him to talk back to Simon.

Gedeon McKinney - “Shout” - Dude, lose the ’stache. You look like a fake ID photo. In general, I’d advise contestants to not choose songs that are best known in recent memory as commercial songs. Seriously, do you really want me thinking of “Shout” laundry detergent? Still, it was entertaining and pretty well done. And he took my advice.

Elliott Yamin - “If You Really Love Me” - Great song choice! I loved that we got to hear some slow and some fast from him. And the best thing he did was stay with what he knew. He’s smooth and easy, even if he’s somewhat difficult to look at. I loved him in Hollywood (and loved that he bagged on the twins in his Up Close And Personal). Easily the best performance of the night. Not to toot my own horn, but he obviously reads my stuff even before I write it.

Bobby Bennett - “Copa Cabana” - Worst song choice of the night. Seriously…Barely Manenough? Really? Total package here: terrible song choice, terrible singing, terrible performance. Hint for future contestants: DO. NOT. SING. FOR. GRANDMA. WEEK 1! See the intro to this recap.

Ace Young - “Father Figure” - Agree with the judges on the song choice. Very well chosen. However, George Michael has some of the best vocals in the industry, and Ace had no shot at living up to that. And when he approaches, women cry out, “Good grief, what is that thing?” because he’s so hideous. Overall, well done.

Taylor Hicks - “Levon” -I didn’t much care for the song selection, but he’s definitely unique. I’d love to hear him do some classic Soul or Motown. Could have been better.

So, my rankings:

1. Elliott
2. Chris
3. Ace
4. Kevin
5. Taylor
6. Patrick
7. Gedeon
8. Will
9. Sway
10. David
11. Bucky
12. Bobby

I’ll be shocked if Bobby sticks around, but the other unfortunate is tough to call. If I had to guess, though, I’d say Patrick, just because he didn’t stand out. My vote would be for Bucky to go, of course.

So, now we just have to suffer through a results show.

One gripe right off the top…the sound guy in the TV booth needs to get the sack. Most of the time, the band was overpowering the vocalist. I’ll allow that the sound was great in the building, but on the tube, the vocalists were drowned out.

Now, to my rant…it’s about keys.

The biggest problem with female contestants in *all* rounds of American Idol is picking the wrong key. Yes, sometimes the boys pick a bad key, but it just doesn’t seem to be as big a problem. Probably the reason for that is that men tend to pick a key that’s juuuuust a touch to high and they can fake it. The ladies have the opposite problem: they pick keys that are too low. Why? Well, because they’re a teeny bit afraid-ish of the high stuff. The problem is, you can’t fake a low range. Trust me, I’m a tenor. I’d love to add a fifth or so to the bottom of my range, but it’s just not there, and there’s no faking it. So I’ll just have to be content with stealing alto parts…

Mandisa - “Never” - Three things going for her there. 1. Tempo, 2. She made it her own, and 3. She can SANG!!! Loved it. Very safe. The funny thing is, I expected her to finish singing, then turn to the girls and say, “Welcome to Singing With Mandisa, where for just three easy payments, you too can sound like MEE!!!” She seemed like the teacher to a group of kids.

Kellie Pickler - “How Far” - Pretty much validates my initial thought that she won’t make the Finals. It was probably a good key for her, but it was pretty much Karaoke to me, and she just doesn’t really have a great voice. Closer to grate.

Becky O’Donahue - “Because The Night” - Yep, she’s the Getting By on Looks girl. Not good enough. But she’s probably safe for now.

Interlude: What’s this “better than I expected” stuff from Simon and Randy? Were they basically admitting that they were so distracted by her looks that they put her through in spite of sub-par vocals? My wife (TFE) asked this: “If Simon said it was better than expected, and then gave her a 6.5, that means he was expecting what? Five?” Good point. A five should not be in the Semis.

Ayla Brown - “Some Song from Mulan” - She managed to avoid looking like a statue and sang pretty well. And to her credit, she didn’t play it safe. Which means she’s probably safe this week. Although, after having listened to the rest, I had a hard time remembering her. Could be a bad sign.

Paris Bennett - “Midnight Train to Georgia” - Great performance, but I really would have loved to have heard more of her upper register. Still, it was a flat out good performance, and I can’t find much fault with it. Okay, if I must. A few to many Fantasia-esque “Yeah-yeahs”. One thing that really stands out is, she was bouncing all over that stage and still keeping her breathing under control. She’s been doing this a while. Very safe this week.

Stevie Scott - “To Where You Are” - Okay, so if you’re going to toot your own Opera-Trained horn, you’d better deliver. That was just flat-out (and I emphasis FLAT) horrible. Terrible song choice, abysmal performance. Just truly dreadful. And unfortunately for her, most of America listens to Simon. I really believe that. Buh-bye. I’d be very surprised if she’s around next week.

Brenna Gethers - “You Are the Sunshine of My Life” - Agreed with Simon. I called it. Mr. Handwasher to The Fair Elaine: “Look for the first few notes to be way flat, because it’s too low.” Ladies, listen to me: Stevie is too rangy for most women. Most men, too. Warning!

Heather Cox - “When You Tell Me That You Love Me” - Boooooooring. Too low…again. This had absolutely no flash to it. Warning!

Melissa McGhee - “When the Lights Go Down” - A few rough spots, but there was actually some POP to it. She also picked a pretty good key for her voice. I don’t really care for the husky/smoky/sultry voiced types, but the judges seem to. She’s safe.

Lisa Tucker - “I Am Changing” - Very good performance, but not quite up to my expectations. I was hoping for something with a bit of rhythm to it. Oh well. She’ll be around next week.

Kinnik Sky - “Get Here” - Wheee…an oversung song! Seriously, I’m over this song. At least she went for it, but it was still a C+ at best. I actually didn’t know Zoe from Firefly could sing! But, she might be safe.

Katharine McPhee - “Since I Fell For You” - Great song, great key. I mean, taking on Babs? Seriously? She didn’t even look like she was trying up there. If she’s voted out before the Top Three, I’ll stop watching the show for several days. But then I’d reluctantly take my keyboard up for the sake of my legions of one fan.

My rankings:

1. Katharine
2. Mandisa
3. Paris
4. Lisa
5. Melissa
6. Ayla
7. Kellie
8. Kinnik
9. Heather
10. Becky
11. Brenna
12. Stevie

I wouldn’t be sad to see anybody in the bottom five leave us this week. I think Stevie can do better, but I doubt she’ll get a shot. I could easily see Brenna accompanying her and going…away…

So, bring on the guys!

The idea here is to write a column that can later be used to show that I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m going to attempt to predict who will be in the Finals. For the rest, I’m not going to try to predict the order of their exits. I’ll just mark the ones who don’t make the cut as “Pink slip.”

Ladies:

Paris Bennet - Fantastic talent, but I worry she’ll go too R&B on me. Don’t get me wrong; I actually enjoy some R&B, but it can all run together, particularly these days. She has a lovely instrument that should be allowed to shine. My hope is that the judges make them sing difficult genres (50’s, Swing, etc) early on so she can really stand out. A bit of Ella Fitzgerald from The Good Paris would make me smile. Prediction: Top 5.

Ayla Brown - She’s just too stinkin’ tall. I figure she’ll come off singing reasonably well but looking like a statue. Probably won’t make the cut. Prediction: Pink slip.

Heather Cox - Redundant cute blonde. Sorry, but we already have Kellie Pickler, and her backstory is better. Come to think of it, have we even seen Heather yet? Unless she sings reeeeeally well, she won’t stand out. Prediction: Pink slip.

Brenna Gethers - Annoying. Can she sing? Who cares. Prediction: Pink slip.

Mandisa - She can definitely sang, but will America have long enough arms to embrace her? Seriously…large people don’t generally get a fair shake. Ruben, you say? His votes came from the female side of things, and women are more accepting. But I think she has the chops to make it through to the Finals. Prediction: Top 8.

Kinnik Sky - Not sure I would have remembered her if not for RealityNewsOnline.com. Because of that, she’s on the bubble for me. Prediction: She’ll be unpredictable.

Melissa McGhee - From what I’ve seen of her, she seems a good candidate for the Finals. Prediction: Finals. Actually, one of the blondes is going to beat her. Heather or Kellie.

Katharine McPhee - Gorgeous voice, pretty face, great presence. Shocked if she isn’t around toward the end. Prediction: Top 3.

Becky O’Donohue - Got this far mostly on looks. Last year we had a Vegas showgirl make it to the Top 12 for the same reason. I doubt she’s got what it really takes to get through. Prediction: Pink slip.

Kellie Pickler - She’s got marketable written all over her, but she’s just so much like Carrie! Except without quite the voice. I predicted she wouldn’t make it to the Finals, so I guess I’ll have to stick to that. Except I was wrong. She’s a good enough singer to make it through and get run off early. Prediction: I’ll edit this post later (and the earlier one) to make it look like I was right all along.

Stevie Scott - I like her. Not sure why, exactly, but she’s got a pretty voice that seems surprising coming from her. Now she just needs a tan. Prediction: Finals.

Lisa Tucker - Easy finalist. Presence, looks and voice will get her far. Prediction: Finals (potential Top 6).

So, for anyone keeping track, I have Lisa Tucker, Stevie Scott, Katharine McPhee, Mandisa, and Paris Bennett going to the finals. Also put in one of the following three: Kellie, Heather, or Melissa.

Gentlemen:

Bobby Bennett - Unfortunately he has a face for radio. That won’t help. Prediction: Pink slip.

Kevin Covais - Makeover? Please? It’s not good that he makes me laugh whenever I see him. I don’t see him making it through, although he has a nice voice. Prediction: Pink slip.

Bucky Covington - My ears are still bleeding from the one time I heard him sing. This is a wish as much as a…Prediction: Pink slip. (and I’ll go out on a limb and say he’ll be terrible right out of the gate and exit early).

Chris Daughtry - He’s no Bo, but he’s pretty good. I predicted earlier that he’d run out of steam, and I stand by that. Prediction: Finals…maybe Top 8.

Patrick Hall - Awesome voice, but I worry that he’ll be overlooked. If he could sing Bread every week, I’d vote for him every week. Another wish. Prediction: Pink slip. I just don’t think he’ll stand out enough, even though he’ll deserve it.

Taylor Hicks - The most unique person in the competition, but he really looks like a high school science teacher. I think he’ll fit into any style really well, although his “moves” (think full-body dry heave, ala Elaine from Seinfeld) might cause his stock to drop. Prediction: Finals.

Will Makar - I loved him on “The Wonder Years” (okay, I didn’t really watch it, but he does look like Fred Savage). The nice thing about him is, he can actually sing. Prediction: Finals.

Gedeon McKinney - Well, he’s certainly confident…but how will he do? He may have lost some fans by not coming across as humble, but who knows? I’m going to predict that he’s burned too many bridges. Prediction: Pink Slip.

Sway Penala - I’ve been consistently unimpressed by him, so I’m thinking he’ll be out quickly. But I’m wrong, and the Phillipino vote will put him through. Prediction: Finals.

David Radford - Sorry, but America won’t put through somebody who does Sinatra impressions. Seriously, he’s a caricature of a crooner, and that’s just not good enough. Prediction: Pink slip in a big fat hurry.

Elliott Yamin - Love this guy! He’s kinda got a face for radio, but that hasn’t kept Dominic Monaghan out of work. I doubt he’ll do as well as I hope, but I’m crossing my fingers. Prediction: Finals (top 8?).

Ace Young - Another face for radio. Yeah, whatever. He’ll be the one standing in all the puddles of formerly solid females. His looks and admittedly fine talent will take him far. Prediction: Top 5.

So, for the guys, I’ve got Chris Daughtry, Taylor Hicks, Will Makar, Sway Penala, Elliot Yamin, and Ace Young.

I’m hoping that since the non-eliminated will be able to sing several times before getting to the Finals, that we’ll see some of the more talented (Patrick) get in over the less talented (Will). But it probably won’t happen.

So, the OCD_HANDpicked Top 12 are (alphabetically):

• Ace Young
• Chris Daughtry
• Elliot Yamin
• Katharine McPhee
• Kellie Pickler or Heather Cox (at the expense of Ms. McGhee)
• Lisa Tucker
• Mandisa
• Paris Bennett
• Stevie Scott
• Sway Penala
• Taylor Hicks
• Will Makar

We’ll see how I do!

Torino, Italy
February 17, 2006

Following sharp comments by Bryant Gumbel regarding the 2006 Winter Olympics, representatives from Norway and Kenya have announced a strategic Olympic alliance to combat what they called an “appalling oversight toward diversity on the parts of our two great nations.”

Mr. Gumbel, who in recent days has been granted the “Moron With a Microphone” (MwM) Award (past winners include Keith Olbermann, Kanye West, Sean Penn, and Pat Robertson), criticized the “paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention.”

In response to this, the Norwegian and Kenyan representatives to the International Olympic Committee have announced that the two nations will henceforth be combined into a single representative conglomerate. At this point, the favored name of the new entity is said to be “Kenway,” although “Norya” has also been proposed.

The idea behind the combined team is to increase the diversity of the combined team while simultaneously making the entire Olympic process a complete joke. “We don’t expect that our Norwegian runners will really be up to speed, so to speak, with their Kenyan counterparts by 2008, or that the Kenyans will adjust to sports such as Speed Skating or Downhill Skiing by 2010. But really, is winning that important?” asked Ivers Iverson, a spokesperson for the Kenway initiative. When asked about the paucity of training facilities for winter sports in Kenya, his comment was, “We really don’t expect to actually compete, so why train? But if more countries will buy into this, we feel that the overall level of competition at the Games, both Summer and Winter, can be brought down to a level at which all nations can feel like winners.”

In the United States, when USOC officials were asked whether there were any plans to add diversity to the expected mostly black Men’s Basketball team for the 2008 Summer Games, the response - after an extended bout of laughter - was, “No. We’re actually going to try to win. It just seems like the Olympics call for the best athletes in a given sport.”

In somewhat related news, the IOC is now coming under pressure from a watchdog group calling itself No Athlete Left Behind (NALB), to even out the level of competition by mandating that all nations send uniform numbers of athletes to the Games. “We’re suggesting that all nations send around 10 athletes to the Games. Not only will the competition be more balanced, but the televised broadcasts will be much shorter,” said Lefty Bleedingheart, a spokesperson for the group. NBC has responded to this statement by assuring the public that Jimmy Roberts is more than able to find heartrending and schmaltzy stories within any number of Olympic representatives, so the television coverage would likely stay at about three weeks.

NALB also specified that there will be additional pressure to either abolish medals and medal ceremonies altogether or to give all participants the same awards.

In probably unrelated news, the 2008 Summer games will take place in the Chinese Year of the Horse’s Behind.

Elsewhere, the Republican National Committee is said to be considering holding its next convention in Torino. Said a representative who asked to remain nameless, “We realize that Johnny Weir may be there, but we wanted him to know he doesn’t actually frighten us.” This was in response to recent comments by Weir, that Republicans were probably afraid of him. Weir is thought to be an early contender for the next MwM award.

In frighteningly unrelated news, Johnny Weir is said to be separating from Camille, his red glove. Asked about the split, Weir merely said, “I have two words for you, and the second one is Jolie.”

Disclaimer: O. Handwasher is a registered Republican who was actually rooting for Johnny Weir until his “offensive” comments were aired. Subsequently he rather enjoyed hearing that Evan Lysacek beat Weir’s pants off in the free skate.

So I’ve been thinking of writing a book about this subject, but I realize my own list of things that I know purely through my interaction with females is far from definitive. So, I’m opening this up to anyone who wants to comment and help the women of the world realize just how ignorant most men are of the “correct” word for things. I’ll get things started: BTW, I’m doing this, for the most part, to attempt to get women to communicate in more exact terms.

Female Word——–>Male Equivalent
======================================
Duvet————–>Comforter (and that’s a stretch…warm blanket is more like it)
Valence————>The thing that obscures the curtain rod
Bed Skirt———->???
Mauve, Taupe, etc.->Colors your women wants to paint stuff…
Loveseat———–>Couch that’s too small to sleep on
Crown Molding——>Shelf put in a weird place

Okay, that’ll do for now. A couple of general tips for the ladies. Use food analogies when you get that blank stare. Example:

“It’s Mauve.”
blank stare
“Blackberry-pie-filling-stain color.”
glazed look fades

Any other takers? BTW, I know a fair number of these things, being a married-type and having grown up with four double-X chromosome types in my house. But I’m still amazed at the number of completely useless terms those people throw about. Settee..? Seriously? Try high-backed small couch. Is that so hard?

In no particular order…

• Kellie Pickler will not make the finals. She’s cute as all get out, but doesn’t have enough voice/experience to make it past the semis. (one note: If the producers stupidly decide to do the 6 men, 6 women thing this year, she may squeak in if the girl talent pool is too shallow…which it isnt’).
• Patrick Hall is my hero. His rendition of that Bread song was outstanding. Finalist if there’s anything right with the world. Oh, and by the way, Clay couldn’t have handled that song quite as well as he did.
• Lisa Tucker is the example of why Kellie doesn’t have enough to make it. No comparison in the performances.
• The Good Paris (one of my early favorites) was good, but had kind of a bad case of the runs during her performance. She’s still a contender for the Title, though.
• Taylor Hicks (hint: looks like a High School Chemistry Teacher) is what Rod Stewart would sound like with talent. He does kind of look like he’s being electrocuted when he’s singing, though.
• If Garret Johnson makes the finals, I’ll quit watching. At least while he’s singing anyway. He could be this year’s Little John.
• Chris Daughtry (rocker) is going to hurt himself the way he sings. If he makes the finals, he’ll blow out the way George did. (Hey, don’t get me wrong…I have two George albums. Love the guy, but he ran out of steam in the competition).
• Katherine McPhee should already have an album out. Ridiculous how good she is.
• Crazy Dave is an insult to the “integrity” of the show. If I was one of the other contests, I’d be PO’d that he made the trip.