Collateral Bloggage

I’ve decided to start dropping the date (which you can easily obtain in the footer (”Posted by Seth on MOnday, June 30th, 2008″), and to stop spelling out Monday Morning Musings every time. If you don’t know about this weekly feature of my blog, I’m okay with you thinking I’m doing a Homer Simpson-esce “Mmmm…blogging.”

I’ve also decided to give a hint, in the title, of what I will muse on. That way, you might know if you’re interested in what I’ll write. With that, I muse…

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I get a lot of books at the library. Probably a healthy 50% or so of my reading originates there. I try to get on the Hold Request list early for the newest Koontz or Grisham, so I tend to get them not long after publication. I just got Odd Hours, Koontz’s latest featuring his inimitable character, Odd Thomas.

Trouble is, it’s a smoky book. Although the sticker on the spine says 06/08, it’s obviously been previously checked out by a smoker. I’m fine with someone making the decision to smoke (and calling them stupid for doing so), so long as they dispose of their butts properly and DON’T MAKE MY BOOK SMOKY!!!!

Speaking of smoky…is that really spelled right? I googled both “smoky” and “smokey” and came up with tons of hits for both. Evidently I’m not the only one who thinks “smoky” is a Wrong-looking word (WLW). I’m still sitting here looking at it, thinking, “There’s no way that’s right.”

In fact, it is right, but “smokey” is a valid variant. But I still went with the WLW. What’s that say about me?

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I like golf. I do it badly, but enjoy it. I’ve never had any lessons, and I shoot 100+, but not by much. I can manage a 250+ yard drive now and again, and I’ve been known to hit some very nice putts. But usually, you won’t catch me doing both on the same hole. Oh, sure, I’ve chipped in for birdie on a Par 3 where I missed the green (my first birdie ever). I’ve even birdied a 4 and a 5.

Last Wednesday, I crushed a 285 yard drive on one hole (Number 4) out at Killarney West in Cornelius. I still managed a bogey. On the next hole (a Par 5), I dialed it back a bit, probably hitting 235-240 on my drive. Then I grabbed my 6-iron and tried to reach the green. I struck it badly, nearly topping it. But it was straight, and the fairway was dry and hard. Rolled right up onto the green, probably 220 yards total. Not bad for a 6-iron shot. And then, I drained the 40-foot putt for Eagle! Felt pretty good. I was just hoping to leave myself a decent shot at birdie…but I’ll take it.

Naturally, I triple-bogeyed the next hole.

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My sister did a Meme the other day with big list of books in it. That got me thinking that I should put out a list of my favorite books. Trouble is, there are *so* many possible categories to choose from. Rather than break it into a dozen categories, I’ve decided to just go with Fiction and Nonfiction.

My list will definitely change as I keep reading more books (a quick query of my Books Tracking Database says I’ve read 240 books over the last five years - 257 if I count re-reads). I’ll post it here for now, along with a very brief bit of what they’re about, and reasons I recommend each (or don’t, in some cases). Then, I think I’ll make a Page with the current list.

BTW, I’m not actually ranking them 1-10.

Fiction:

Nonfiction:

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I think that should do it for today…

SOME CHURCH -  Area Bible Teacher Reed Intuit said on Sunday Morning during his Bible Study during the second service, that the Rapture of the Church will take place “definitely in all likelihood” in the next ten to fifteen hundred years.

“It’s perfectly clear from Scripture that we’re living in the Last Days.  Or at least, the Last Days before the beginning of the precursor to the preamble to the Last Days-ish time.”

Intuit then went on to quote numerous passages from the Bible, including Revelation 22:20, which reads “Yes, I am coming soon!”

“You see?  Jesus will return soon.  Of course, to Him, all times are soon.  Still, I think it’s clear in reading it that he means soon with respect to our generation.  I mean, if he meant “soon” with regard to the first century, then he’d be a little late in his Coming.  So, since he didn’t come back then, he’ll definitely come in our generation.  It’s nearly probable.”

He then spoke about how important it is to get Right With God now, before the Rapture and Tribulation.  Otherwise, one would have to Get Right With God during the Tribulation.  But there’s no Second Chance, at least after the first Second Chance (that one can convert after the Rapture).  So, basically, no third chance.

Asked what drove him to interpret Revelation in the way he does, Intuit responded, “I take a literal hermeneutic - that’s the science of interpretation -  with Revelation.  Everything described there will literally happen.”

When pressed to reconcile this with the passages containing phrases like “coming quickly” and “which must soon take place,” Intuit said, “Well, when I say ‘literally’, I mean literally with respect to my model of interpretation.  Anything that doesn’t fit that model is taken as figurative.  Take the imagery of locusts with the tails of scorpions.  That’s obviously referring to modern helicopters.  It’s clearly symbolic.  But all the “Beast” stuff is literal.  Not so much literal in that he’ll have seven heads and ten horns and such, but that he’ll be the Beast we expect.  You know, the Antichrist, as head of a Renewed Roman Empire (comprising ten countries).  See?  Literal.”

Asked to cite a passage equating the Beast with the Antichrist (a term not occurring in Revelation), or anything even remotely referring to a Renewed Roman Empire, Intuit “didn’t have time to go into it.”

Source: O. Handwasher

The Wood was dark. But, the Three who stumbled through in the darkness did not know what darkness was. They knew of no such thing as Light. The Three struggled and pulled their way through the trees, trying to reach the Meadow.

“I can’t wait to get to the Meadow,” said the first, called Chosen. “Just imagine a place without tree branches hitting you in the face.”

“Ah, but there are many Paths to the Meadow,” retorted the second, called Works. “How do we know this is the best one? Or if the Meadow is more than just a state of mind? The journey toward it is the thing to be cherished.”

The third frowned and shook his head. “There is no Meadow. It’s a fantasy Chosen dreamt up to make his life easier. As for which path to take, what does it matter?”

Chosen stopped. “If there is no Meadow, why do you journey with us, Blind?”

“There’s little else to do in the Wood, Chosen. It passes the time.”

And so they continued on in silence for some time.

“Wait!” called Chosen. “Did you hear that?”

The other two replied that they had not.

“It was a voice! The voice of a man, calling to me.” He cupped his hands around his lips and shouted, “Hello? Are you there? I’ll come to you!”

He changed his course a little, toward the direction from which the voice came. The others hesitated, then followed, stumbling all the more.

Many hours later, Works spoke. “This path is no Path at all, Chosen. You’ve led us astray.”

“And this from someone who believes in Many Paths,” said Blind. “And you’ll recall, you weren’t so overly fond of the last path, now were you?”

“It’s true, I felt there may be better Paths, but I fail to recognize that this is one of them.”

Chosen smiled. “And yet you’ve said on many an occasion that…”

“All Paths lead to the Meadow,” said Chosen and Blind together.

“No, my friend,” said Chosen, “there is but one Path, and I believe that Voice was leading me to it.”

Blind chimed in, “I fail to see why the One True Path would be more difficult than the one we were on before!”

“Perhaps,” answered Chosen, “it is to teach us that we cannot walk the Path alone.”

“We’re not alone, you idiot!” yelled Blind. “How has our journeying together profited us?”

Chosen had no answer. Instead, he stopped. “I’m going to wait for the Voice to come to me.”

“Hmpf,” said Blind. “Better to keep moving than to wait in vain hope of your Voice.”

“Yes,” put in Works, “At least with us, you’ll have company.”

But Chosen had made his choice. Within minutes, the sound of the others faded.

Then, there was Light. Chosen didn’t know to call it that. A voice came from the Light. Chosen recognized it as *the* Light.

“Open your eyes, my child.”

Chosen didn’t understand. “Master, I can see the Light. What do you mean, open my eyes?”

“You see but the radiance of my Light through your eyelids. I tell you, open your eyes.”

Slowly, carefully, Chosen opened his eyes. Until now, he hadn’t realized he could. The Light was bright, and it burned his eyes. He closed them again, then opened them, but shaded his face with his arm.

“It hurts! It hurts to see this Light. Can you make it less?”

“To see my Light will cause pain. But if you walk in it, you will find the pain fades.”

Chosen rose to his feet and decided to take the full Light with eyes wide open. As he took a step, the pain lessened. He looked around and saw that the Wood was beautiful. He saw that the trees which had once felt so rough and forbidding were lovely. The leaves were delicate, and fruit hung from the branches.

He saw no man. “Master? Where are you?” he called.

“I am with you. Walk with me until you reach the Meadow.”

“Where is the Meadow?”

“Ahead of you. If you stay in my Light, you will reach it.”

Chosen walked forward, admiring the fruit on the trees. “Lord, if I may?”

“Ask what you wish.”

“May I eat the fruit?”

“Of course you may,” came the reply. “Any who wish may eat it.”

“But Lord, I never knew about this fruit. I only knew of that which grew on the floor of the Wood.”

“The fruit is the same, but you’ll find it sweeter when it’s plucked from the tree. The fruit you ate before had fallen to the ground.”

Chosen reached and plucked a round, firm fruit. He admired its color and texture; he inhaled its aroma. It was the same, but fresher. Better.” He tasted it.

“Ahh!” he gasped. “I could never eat the grounded fruit again. If only I could have eaten this before, I’d have known more life!”

The Voice answered, “You could have taken from the trees if you’d but reached high enough. It would still have tasted better than grounded fruit, but it’s best appreciated in the Light.”

“Lord, can we speak to my friends? Blind, and Works?”

“You can, my child. They will not hear me,” came the reply.

“Why? Have you not called to them?”

“I have, but they do not listen.”

“May I tell them of you?” asked Chosen.

“You may. In fact, I command you to tell them.”

With the Light as his guide, Chosen quickly caught up to his friends. They still struggled mightily with the underbrush and the low-hanging branches of the trees. Chosen noticed that the Light from where he stood illuminated the path of his friends, but it did not seem to aid them.

“Friends! I have found Light! Or, I suppose, Light has found me! Come with me and we’ll go to the Meadow!”

Blind and Works glanced his way, and then back to their own Path. Chosen strode to Blind.

“Blind, do you not want to walk in the Light?”

“I do not. There is no Light. You fool yourself if you think there is.”

Chosen took him by the shoulders. “Open your eyes! Can you not see me? I stand in the Wood and I can see everything!”

Blind batted his hands away. “There is no such thing as Sight. Will you really go on believing fantasy?”

Frustrated, Chosen tried to pry open Blind’s eyes. “I tell you I can see! Why won’t you believe me?”

Chosen staggered back as Blind shoved him away. “Leave me be!” he shouted. “Is it not enough that the Wood is dark and treacherous? Do I really need you to tell me how nice it is where you stand, when I kneel here on the damp, dank ground? How wonderful that you’ve discovered something better. Now leave me alone! Look to your own path.”

Discouraged and saddened, Chosen walked to his other friend. “Works, will you not open your eyes?”

Works glanced his way, eyes still firmly shut. “I’m glad you’ve found your Light, Chosen. We each must find ours. As for me, I’ll continue looking. Remember, it’s the looking that’s important.”

“But, Works,” pleaded Chosen, “How can you look when your eyes are still closed?”

Works smiled. “We all look in different ways. You’ve found your eyes will do for your journey. Why should it be the same for me? Besides, what if I opened my eyes? I might see the Path you’ve taken. I can’t let your journey influence me toward your narrow Path. Let me find my own way.”

Chosen sighed. “But, I’ve found the Way. The Light has shown me. I can see the path to the Meadow. The Voice told me which way to go! Will you not come with me? Will you not listen to Him?”

“I’m sorry, my friend,” said Works. “I must not allow your experience to guide me. I must go on by myself.”

“But I don’t ask you to follow me, Works,” said Chosen. “I only ask you to open your eyes and follow the Light!”

“Chosen, there are many ways to go. My light will find me one day, and I’ll follow it. But I cannot go with you.”

Chosen turned back toward the Path. “They won’t come with me, Master. Will you call to them?”

“I will always be calling. Perhaps they will hear me, perhaps they won’t.”

“Don’t you know?”

“Of course I do. But it is not for you to know. It is for you to continue to speak with them and invite them to join you.”

Chosen frowned. “But, they don’t want to go toward the Meadow, Master. I want to go to the Meadow!”

“My child, if you continue to walk in my Light, you will find the Meadow.”

“But, they won’t walk in your Light with me,” answered Chosen. “How can I walk in it and still speak to them?”

“As you speak with them, you will bring my Light to them.”

Chosen stopped. “I’m afraid. I don’t want to lose your Light.”

“My Light is in you, child. As long as you walk with it, it will not leave you. I will not leave you. You are not a child of the Wood. You are a child of the Light. Walk in it. Speak of it. Show it.”

Chosen walked to his friends, putting his hands on their shoulders. “I won’t give up on them.”

I’ve never been a huge SNL fan, but Will Ferrell always managed to crack me up.  The cowbell sketch is, for my money, about as funny as it gets.  It’s all about how ridiculous the concept is, and the fact that nobody seems able to hold it together (except Christopher Walken).

Last time I tried to post this, the Youtube kept getting pulled.  This one probably will eventually, too.

Again on this Monday, I find my mind a virtual void. Bummer. Good thing I’m at work, where my brain is really quite unnecessary most of the time.

Funny moment from work last week. My nemesis, Evil Seth (another guy in my group named Seth), sent out his status report (he’s the validation lead). Here it is, in its entirety:

No one did anything this week. And it was everything we dreamed it could be.

If you’ve seen Office Space, you’ll get it. If not, I’m sorry.

In case you missed my Foney Fridays post, it was about Voice Response Systems, particularly those for Communications Conglomerates (which may include the following: Verizon).

This morning, I realized I had missed a key element to the annoyance of calling Verizon…they have voice-recognition software. So, instead of “To inquire about billing, press 3…”, you get “To inquire about billing, say ‘billing’…” Very annoying. You say, “billing”, and you’ll get “Sorry, I didn’t get that!” or “Okay…now say something else in order to get closer to actually talking to a real person.”

I finally got through and asked about the promotion Verizon had going when I signed up (they were supposed to be sending us some gift cards). The nice lady said that, yes, I did qualify for that, and she’d just transfer me over to the promotions department so we could find out where those were.

The promotions lady said there was never any such promotion. She didn’t appreciate my pointing out that the other lady said there was, and the guy who signed me up said there was. She told me the promotion going back then was a free 19″ TV.  Now I’m calling the other lady back (not that I’ll get her again, of course) so I can find out who, exactly, I need to constructively confront.

(insert the sound of ultimate anger)

Dear Customer,

At Mega Communications Conglomerate of the Willamette Valley and Environs, Including Several Large Sections of the Continental United States, Though Probably Not Covering Cornelius, Oregon (MCCWVEISLSCUSTPNCCO), we truly value your business.

We’re sorry to hear that you’ve been having trouble with your service, or difficulty with your billing, or whatever else the issue is with you people.

Your business is so valueable to us that, should you need to contact us, we’ve made it easy for you. Just dial our 800 number, then select your language, then listen to the menu options, which have changed. Then enter your account number and select which option you’d like. The options have changed. Once you’ve decided that none of the options really suits the reason for your call, just pick a random one and try to find the option for “speak to an operator.” Repeat until you actually find an option for speaking to an operator. After a minimal (~ 40 minute) wait, you should, in all likelihood, get to talk to someone who speaks something like the language you chose at the beginning.

Once you get to speak to the nice Indian customer service representative, you’ll need to repeat the account number you previously entered and verify the last four digits of the primary account holder’s Social Security Number. After a brief explanation of your problem, you’ll be informed that the 800 number you dialed is not actually the number for the department you wanted to reach. This should not be seen as a problem. The nice Indian customer service representative will be able to transfer you to the new number.

We experience a low (~120%) failure to complete call transfers, so after your line goes dead, you might want to just hang up and dial the number you tried to jot down but didn’t quite get from the nice Indian customer service representative. You’ll need to have your account number handy again should you be able to get through to the department you think you now want to contact.

We may record your call for quality assurance, a process by which we assure ourselves that our customer service is, in fact, good enough. And we also may have a good laugh at your expense. You people are funny.

Again, we apologize for any inconvenience you may have encountered before attempting to contact us. The inconvenience of contacting us is totally on you. It’s not like we asked you to contact us.

Your business is important to us, and will continue to be important as long as you keep paying what we charge you.

Warmest Personal Regards,

<replace with digitized signature for pseudo-personalness>

I believe in Adam and Eve. I believe in the Fall. I’m just not sure I’m onboard with Original Sin. Don’t freak out…I’m not saying I don’t believe man has a sinful nature. I’m just not sure about the specifics of what exactly Original Sin implies.

I was actually surprised to find as I read Romans 5 yesterday (I do my New Testament reading in a five-chapter chunk on Wednesdays…I find one chapter a day to be insufferable), that the famous “since by man came death” verse isn’t there. It’s actually in 1 Corinthians. But still, if you’re looking for texts on Original Sin, Romans 5 is your text.

Problem is, I can’t really find Original Sin in there. The best verse I can find is this one:

This seems to indicate that sin originated with Adam. Actually, it comes right out and says it. Where, exactly, do we find that we all inherit Original Sin from him? I can’t find it. The interesting thing I find in this verse is the because all sinned part. (There is debate about this translation, and “because” might be incorrect. But if it is correct, it seems to imply death being a result of personal sin).

Does this matter at all? Well, almost the entire justification for Infant Baptism comes from the understanding that we emerge from the womb “stained” with Original Sin. It’s the reason that the Catholics had to come up with the idea of Limbo (where an unbaptized child would go…no actual sin, so no hell, but the “stain”, so no heaven). The “stain” idea seems to fly in the face of the “children will not be held accountable for the sins of their fathers” message in the Law. And what of Jesus’ statement that the Kingdom of God belongs to “such as these” (referring to children)?

But what about this?

Are we automatically guilty of Adam’s sin, just by being his progeny? We certainly don’t believe that Christ’s sacrifice is automatically accounted to everyone, right? And yet, we believe that Adam’s sin is accounted to all.

Okay, so maybe we all just inherit a tendency to sin. Fine. If we need such a tendency to make us sinful, then how did Adam fall? He clearly either had the sinful tendency, or he sinned in spite of not having it. If he had it, then it didn’t originate with him…it was built in. If he sinned in spite of not having it, why do we need to explain our sinfulness with reference to Adam’s sin?

One view I’ve read recently is the idea that it’s really the punishment for sin that we inherited from Adam, in the same sense that a criminal is punished in some cases because there is legal precedent for punishment. So, then, we didn’t inherit sin from Adam, but we are punished for sin because Adam was punished for it.

And what is that punishment? Death. This is the major reason I subscribe to the Conditional Immortality view of Hell (believers live forever, unbelievers don’t). If death is the punishment for sin, it makes sense that immortality is the reward for righteousness. And righteousness comes through Christ. No Christ, no eternal life.

Hopefully you’re now as confused as I am.

When people think of classic movie stars, particularly in musical/dance-heavy pictures, the names you’ll typically hear are Frank Sinatra, Fred Astaire, and maybe Gene Kelly.  But, for my money, it doesn’t get any better than Danny Kaye.  He had the rare combination of a great singing voice, decent dancing chops, and a gift for comedy (physical and otherwise).

Maybe you know his work…maybe you don’t.  Maybe you’d be surprised to know that he was “the guy who can dance” in “White Christmas” (cuz Bing sure couldn’t).  In any case, if you’ve never seen the “Vessel with the pestle” scene from “The Court Jester”, you haven’t lived.  I’m here to make your life just that much more fulfilled (the funny stuff really starts about 1:10).

If this whet your appetite, get a copy of Jester and let it fly.  Then, you might consider “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty”, “Wonder Man”, and “The Kid from Brooklyn”.

By the way, I grew up on Danny Kaye.  My affection for him shouldn’t be taken as a slight on the other guys.  “Singin’ in the Rain” is still an awesome movie, and Gene Kelly is a superior dancer to Kaye.  But, Danny just had the whole package.

I have to do a post about strawberries. Because, if you live in Oregon and you haven’t tried Hood strawberries, you should be banished from the state. If I had to write a list of ten reasons I love living in Oregon, Hoods would be reasons 1 through 8. Perhaps I exaggerate…Veteran Peaches would be up there, too.

My point is, this is a great area for local produce. If you’re not taking advantage of it, you’re missing out on one of God’s great works.

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Today was a great day for a bike ride. I still wish I didn’t sweat so much, but the ride was worth it, and I’m not just saying that because it costs fifty bucks to fill up the Daddy Car.

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Father’s Day was fun…we went to church, then hit Stanfords (had ribs…have I mentioned I think ribs can be included in an otherwise vegetarian diet?). Then we went home and Ethan and I watched the Mariners lose again. Then, we went to see Kung Fu Panda, which was lots of fun (Ethan has already started quoting memorable lines from it, including, “I am THE fat panda.”). Then, we came home and played some backyard baseball (Ethan edged me 8-7), then we went to the pool for a dip. Good stuff.

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I think that’s it for today. Maybe I’ll tack on some more later. I think I had something else to write, but I can’t remember at the moment. I hate it when I forget to remember something….

HILLSBORO, OR - Researchers at Intel Corporation have identified a group of potentially troubling and productivity-diminishing elemental particles: synergons.

In late 2002, Noticing a surge in what employees described as “life-draining meetings,” Intel quickly formed a task force to identify the problem.  After several weeks of intensive meetings, the original task force all resigned from the company, citing a marked decrease in will to live.  The pattern repeated itself several times over the next few years, finally forcing Intel upper management to observe that perhaps meetings were not the answer.  This resulted in management providing a group of engineers with a brief description of the problem and requesting that a root cause be found “without undue recourse to meetings.”

After the engineers deciphered the request and, particularly, the bit about “undo recourse,” they realized they were being asked to not hold meetings to discuss the problem.  Instead, the engineers took to informal laboratory meetings, or what some might call “bull sessions.”  Presumably, “bull” is a term taken from Wall Street, indicating high productivity or profits.  When this was suggested to the lead engineer on the project, he chuckled and agreed that this was probably the best way to describe it.

Then, an extraordinary thing happened.  Interpreting the “undo recourse to meetings” phrase as license to avoid ALL meetings, the engineers noticed a sharp uptake in their job satisfaction.  Determined to find the cause of their newfound elation, the decision was made to form a control group and a test group.  The control group was to continue their normal day-to-day work without attending meetings, while the test group was to continue working as normal, spending as much as sixty percent of their time in meetings.  The results were as astounding as they were predictable:  the “go-to-meeting” group threatened to resign if not allowed to skip at least a few meetings.

Following these findings, scientists were brought in to take samples of the atmosphere in meetings (everything from simple staff meetings, to Business Update Meetings, to “stand-up” meetings).  After careful analysis, two new elementary particles were discovered.  The first appeared to emit from laptops, particularly those of meeting organizers.  Most frequently, these particles, now dubbed “powerpointyons,” seemed to originate from the laptops of managers.  Occasionally, a software architect’s computer was the apparent source.

The second particle, now known as the “blatheron,” was found to almost always emit from the mouths of meeting attendees.  Even some of the very engineers who first identified the meetings as the locus of their afflictions were found to generate a shocking volume of blatherons.  Typically, the emission of these particles was preceded by “Well, you know…”.  Even with only the meeting organizer speaking, however, the blatheron and powerpointyon count grew dangerously high after even a short interval.

It was quickly discovered that the two particles were nearly identical in character and mass.  Thus, they were grouped into a larger category, now known as “synergons.”  Some scientists have already speculated that synergons may, in fact, be the famously arcane “dark energy” so often bandied about by modern physicists.

Engineers at Intel are currently working on synergon detectors, which when perfected, will be installed in all Intel conference rooms.  Synergon Alarm Drills will be scheduled quarterly, and a Synergon Awareness course is being created for inclusion in Corporate Mandatory Training.

It is suspected that synergons are similar in nature to the particles, yet to be identified, that are responsible for the behavior of small children in department stores, particularly the clothing section.  Further research may one day shed more light on the matter.

Source: O. Handwasher