Collateral Bloggage

Area Man Not Trying to be a Jerk, Succeeding in Spite of Lack of Effort

HILLSBORO, OR - An area man really isn’t trying to be a jerk.  He’s just speaking his mind.  The fact that he succeeds in coming off like a jerk shouldn’t be construed as indicating a particular effort on his part.  It just seems to come naturally.

“Honestly, I’m not trying to be a jerk,” said the man, who wished to remain anonymous, “but if you interpret what I say in a jerky manner, what am I supposed to do?  Is there any way I can speak my mind in a way you people won’t interpret as offensive?”

In an effort to quell his newly acquired “jerky” image, he has taken to prefacing all his statements with, “I’m not tryin’ to be a (derogatory), but…”

The strategy has not seemed to work, however, and he’s sounding more an more like a (derogatory) every day.  Perhaps it really does just come naturally.  Maybe he was born a jerk.  Certainly, he’s got all the skills you’d look for in a potential jerk.  He’s arrogant, proud, and considers himself to be generally better than everybody else.

Said the Jerk, “Maybe it’d be different if I wasn’t right all the time.  But, when you see how superior you are to everybody else, you’ve got to do what you can to help out.  For me, that means calling out everything I see that’s wrong.  If people want to take offense, what can I do?”

One can only hope that his lack of effort will one day be rewarded.

Source: O. Handwasher