Foney Fridays: Dry Smarter, Not Harder
filed in humor, life, original writing, restroom, satire on Oct.24, 2008
24-Oct-2008
EMPLOYEE COMMUNICATIONS
Dear Valued Employee,
Perhaps you’ve noticed that our high-tech yet unreliable automatic paper towel dispensers have been even less reliable lately. Please do not assume this is accidental. We at Corporate found that employees have simply been relying too much on paper towels for their hand-drying needs.
As a result, Corporate has mandated that the towel dispensers only dispense lengths of 1.5 to 3.5 inches. While this may not seem adequate for completely drying your hands, we think you will find that things will go just fine for you if you just try to dry smarter, not harder.
In addition, the towel dispensers will be calibrated over the next few weeks to both maximize cost savings and minimize environmental impact. Part of the calibration process will include installation of biometric scanners which will prevent employees from using more towels than their allotted quota.
Employees will be asked to visit Badge & Key to submit fingerprints and retina scans for the biometric scanners. These scanners will then be able to identify individual employees and make a determination of whether to dispense a towel. Employees over their quota will be denied a towel, and there will be a limit of one towel per use.
Should you find that the petite towels are not sufficient for your drying purposes, we encourage you to get creative with alternative drying methods. You may wish to wear absorbant clothing in order to provide yourself with a backup for a little extra drying, or in case you go over your limit.
Found wet and crumpled up next to the sink in the vending/refrigerator space by O. Handwasher.
October 24th, 2008 on 9:39 am
LOL! Awesome.
I just saw a hand dryer at the new Whole Foods in Tanasbourne that dries your hands in 3 seconds. It’s shaped like a basket and the amount of pressured air coming out of it is like having your hands dried behind Air Force One as it’s taking off.
Ridiculous.
October 24th, 2008 on 11:40 am
I’m generally against the air dryers, just because they leave you vulnerable to having to touch the actual door handle, which is icky becuz nobody else actually washes their hands. I need my towels! Or a door that swings outward so I can just lean it open. But that’s another story.
October 24th, 2008 on 2:08 pm
Unfortunately since I work in “higher education” I’m surrounded by people who are taking on the idea of “being green” in all the wrong ways. Hand dryers are one of the things I’m forced to contend with daily. I’ve thought about requesting the hand sanitizer I must purchase to go with the dryers as an office supply… anyway I just prefer towels - as does everyone who’d read the statistics on the cleanliness of the hand dryer option.
We recently took out a space of trees - you guessed it - to pave a parking lot… I tried to campaign for “our trees” to be utilized for the purchase of paper towels in our bathrooms - but of course I got nowhere. Ugh.