Collateral Bloggage

Local Man Doing Just Fine Living on Caffeine

HILLSBORO, OR - A local man, who repeatedly asked to “rename eponymous” (sic) is doing just fine going through life completely “jacked” on caffeine.

“Really, really, it’s totally fine,” said the man.  “I’m doing just great.  What?  Did you hear something?  I could’ve sworn I heard a rattlesnake.”  He then whispered, “They’re watching me!”

He says he attempts to exercise moderation in his caffeine intake.  He starts the day with a cup of plain black coffee with breakfast, then has a cappuccino around ten in the morning, right after his morning smoke break.  He then ingests a Full Throttle before lunchtime, followed by lunch with a Coke and a smoke.  After his afternoon smoke, he adds in a Red Bull.  He always cuts off caffeine consumption after 11pm.

Even with this level of consumption, he doesn’t worry about possible addiction.

“Am I addicted?  No way!  I could quit any time.  I just like the buzzed feeling I get from staying juiced.  What, you don’t believe me?  You callin’ me a liar?  Whoa…sorry, dude.  I must’ve missed my afternoon hit.  Oh, man, does my head hurt!”

The interview would have continued, but the man is currently asleep, leaning against a wall outside a conference room.

Source: O. Handwasher