Collateral Bloggage

Once again it’s Jedi Master Derlla who gets the nod as a Too Funny contributor. Somewhere between human and pure energy, the missing link is…The Cyclists!

Dear Hillsboro Driver,

Perhaps your otherwise harmonious, 32-mph commute has recently been jostled by the appearance of an annoying phenomemon: the cyclist.  There has been a major uptick in the numbers of these pests, and dealing with them can be difficult.  Here are a few tips for making their commute as miserable as yours:

1. Take away the bike lane - Why should the cyclists get their own lane?  That lane is rightfully yours to use to find out What is Going On Up There?  Whenever the mood strikes, just stick your front fender out there.
2. Invite collisions - There’s nothing more annoying than being stuck in a long line of stationary traffic and then seeing a cyclist flying by.  Why should he get to cruise while you sit?  Make it more interesting for him by randomly stopping to let other cars in.  You can even justify it as being kind to other drivers.  Time it so the cyclist’s path will intersect with the crossing driver.  Grievous injury is funny.
3. Four-way-stop, four ways to harass - The last thing you want to be is predictable.  When you come to the four-way-stop, you’re probably aware that right-of-way goes to the vehicle on the right (Oh, right, you didn’t know that…Never mind).  The cyclist probably does know this, and will expect you do abide by the rules.  Don’t.  Actually, do.  Sometimes.  Other times, give him a wave and let him go.  If he refuses, go yourself.  Or give him the wave, then go, and honk at him if he tries to.  I titled this “four ways to harass,” but there are probably infinite permutations here.
4. No bike lane, no bikey - Technically, when there’s no bike lane, the cyclist is entitled to the entire lane.  In such a situation, you may find yourself behind the cyclist.  Don’t take it sitting down.  Rev your engine loudly.  Even if you have an opportunity to pass, you can irritate the cyclist (and your fellow drivers) more by hanging out until the cyclist moves over.  In the event you feel you need to pass, go ahead, but give the cyclist a nice blast of the horn.
5. If you’re wrong, honk - Sometimes you won’t be consciously thinking about trying to irritate cyclists, but you’ll still do something they’d refer to as “moronic.”  This unexpected boon can be turned into cyclist-irritant-gold.  Just give him a blast of the horn.  Maybe three or four seconds’ worth.  You did something wrong.  Why not take it out on him?  Just because you weren’t trying to drive like an idiot doesn’t mean you shouldn’t admit to being one.

Following these simply guidelines will help ensure that Hillsboro is a terrible place for bike commuters.  Do your part, and then get back out there and drive 32 in a 45 zone and 34 in a 25!!!  Drive like a Hillsboroan!!!

Sincerely,

Maurice “I Honk, Therefore I am” Ron

A while back, a friend told me about a Youtube showing how a Traffic Shockwave is created. Have you ever been driving along, minding your business, and then traffic suddenly comes to a standstill? You keep driving, hoping to see some reason for the logjam. And what do you see? Nuthin’. Why? Well, who knows why…but this video shows it actually happening:

Cool, huh?  So basically, this stuff happens because people don’t know how to hold their position in traffic.

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I’ve set up a new page for Submissions.  Obviously, I love to write, but I’m occasionally short on topics or content.  Please don’t let this happen.  I’m looking for suggestions for Too Funny Tuesdays, Theology Thursdays, and Foney Fridays.  I’ll even take just random web-gleanings upon which I might Muse on a Monday.  Just go over to the Suggest a Topic link (top-right) and fire away (or click the link in this sentence if you’re really lazy).

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In the course of my workday, I read a lot of specifications and datasheets (and so infected with them is my mind that I’ve asked The Fair Elaine about them in my sleep).  You know your day is off to a good start when you get a review copy of a new datasheet sent out specifically to help you get your work done and you end up sending back an email with this line in it:

“In short, my feedback is that I don’t find that this datasheet helps me complete my work in any way.”

Yeah, it’s gonna be a good day.

I really, really wanted to like Food Detectives.  I figured it’d be a nice combination of two of my favorite shows, Good Eats and Mythbusters.  Alas, it just doesn’t make it for me.

The problem?  The host. I expected Ted Allen to be a much more natural host (I like it when he’s a judge on Iron Chef America), but he was just awkward and stiff, and looked as if he wasn’t sure if the camera was rolling.  Did you ever have a substitute in like sixth grade who obviously was used to teaching Kindergarten?  That’s kind of the way Ted seemed.

With Mythbusters, you’ve got a voiceover narrator who carries much of the, well, narrative load.  The actual Mythbusters don’t even really interact with the camera much.  They’re mostly there to interact with each other, and the camera just happens to be rolling.  It’s quite informal.

On the other hand, on Good Eats, Alton brown does the narration and the hosting, but he pulls it off with a quirky, geeky and-yet-somehow-cool flair.

Oh well.  It’s not like I needed to add another Food Network show to my list.

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Ethan and I attended the last couple of hours of the Oregon Air Show yesterday.  I principally wanted to attend in order to see a new air-demonstration team.  Growing up near an Air Force Base (Elmendorf), I’ve seen the Blue Angels several times (I remember when they flew A-4s), the Thunderbirds, and even the Snow Birds (Canadian team).  So I was delighted to break in a new team.

This time, it was a civilian team, the U.S. Patriots.  They did not disappoint.  Although it’s a civilian team, that just means that the pilots are not currently active members of the military.  But the makeup of the team is still top-notch, with one of the pilots being a former member of the U.S. Air Force Thunderbirds.

The aircraft they fly, the L-39, is not as high-performing as the Thunderbirds’ F-16 or the Blue Angels’ F-18, but there was a nice side-effect of this:  They aren’t quite so loud.

We still got a nice mix of group maneuvers and close fly-bys.  Very good show.

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Yesterday, during the 9am service at which I sang, most of the musicians were in the greenroom.  There, we were treated to a delightful example of videos which may come under subpoena during the inevitable trial, The United States v. White Men With Video Cameras.  I speak of Tyler’s Techno dancing video.  I particularly like the part where Tyler collapses to the couch, then starts doing an arm-only dance, then pops back up with an unexpected burst of energy.

I toyed with the idea of posting this for Too Funny Tuesday, but couldn’t wait.

(video embedded)

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I’ve got a great memory.  It’s a gift and, sometimes, a curse.  Like when I read the “quotes” page on IMDB and think, “Those quotes are wrong.”  My son seems to be blessed with the same affliction.  It’s not just movie quotes.   I also remember basically everything I learned in Survey of Art and Concepts of Lifetime Fitness, in spite of my desire to lose some of those memories.  I found out on Friday that I also have a pretty good Olympic Memory.  As the torch relay was concluding, I mused (aloud) to The Fair Elaine (paraphrased), “I wonder if that gymnast from the L.A. Games will get in here.  What was his name?  Li Ning, right?”  Ding!  I have no idea where I pulled the name out of, but five seconds later they handed the torch off to him, and he proceeded to go all Neo on the Bird’s Nest.  That was cool.

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This morning, on my way to work, I approached the traffic light at 10th and Oak.  A green light.  Were cars moving?  Not the left lane.  The right lane was attempting to move, but the truck over there came to a screeching halt, too.  Ambulance?  Police?  Family of geese?  Nope.

It was a moron.  Specifically, a teenaged girl, strolling across the street against the light.  Nice.  Well, I hope she learned her lesson from all those big, nasty cars sitting there, watching her illegally and dangerously crossing the road.  Um, folks in those cars, got a horn? Seriously, this is exactly the kind of situation in which some actual teaching should be going on.  And by teaching, I mean thoughts along this line: “Sorry about blowing your eardrums out, but you could be getting killed right now, so I think you’ll understand and maybe not do this kind of stupid stuff again, like ever.”

Problem is, people are afraid to use the horn.  We don’t want to be thought of as (gasp) aggressive drivers!!!  (visualize - with your ears - a blood-curdling scream).  So, the road is ruled by idiots who either drive dangerously or like 110-year-old women (BTW, I’m criticizing those who drive like old ladies, not the ladies themselves).  I’m not sure what the solution is here.  There’s no acceptable way for people who actually want, you know, to do 45 (or even 48) in a 45-zone, to communicate to the lady doing her makeup while driving 32-ish that we’d really like to go just a bit faster.  Can’t tailgate (not that it stops me), can’t flash our lights (see previous), because that’d be like mean and stuff.

One day I’m going to write a lengthy, 200-word essay titled “In Defense of Tailgating.”  It’ll be my magnum opus.

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Last minute addition…a new word for the Heasley lexicon.

stinkumference - the radial expression of body odor centered around a smelly person.  Decreases with increased distance.  Alternately, a measure of a person’s level of B.O.  (Example: “Wow, Tim has a serious stinkumference going today.”)

I’ve been thinking about coming up with a word for this for some time.  This morning, on my way back to my cubicle from the lab, I ventured dangerously close to the event horizon of such a phenomenon.  Dude…

Two thoughts I had during my bicycle-commute to work this morning:

1. “Wow am I out of shape. It shouldn’t be possible to sweat this much.”
2. “Idiot.” (aimed at several cars)

Not much else to add to the first thought. Hopefully that one will occur to me less and less often in the coming weeks. My legs just aren’t used to the punishment yet.

But, about the “idiot” comment. Oregon drivers just do not know how to deal with cyclists. Here’s a hint: treat us like any other vehicle.

Now, that doesn’t mean you have to stay behind me…I’ve got my own lane most of the time. Feel free to pass. And even when I’m in your lane, you can go around without driving on the opposite shoulder (really, I’m not that fat!). If you come to a four-way stop and notice I’m also approaching it…wait for it…read my mind here…TREAT ME LIKE A CAR!!!!! If you’re there first, GO. If you’re on the right, GO! Stopping and giving me the wave (grounds for summary amputation of that hand) just slows everybody down. Do you really want to follow me? (the four-way stop I hit most frequently is me going straight, car turning left to go the same way I’m going)

One more thing. If there’s a bike lane, stay out of it. Please. Or at least check to see if I’m there before you run me over. Pretty please? I get blocked by cars several times a month by thoughtless drivers (and I use that term completely literally). You’ve got mirrors for a reason.

Let me close by saying, “It’s not totally your fault. It’s only almost totally your fault.” Cyclists around here don’t always know what they’re doing, either. Some of us ride on the sidewalk (no, we shouldn’t!). Some of us ride through crosswalks (shame on us!). Some of us ride the wrong way in the bike lane (drivers, go ahead and give those guys a little nudge. Tell them I told you it was okay).

So, it’s understandable that you may not be comfortable sharing the road with those big, scary, two-wheeled vehicles. Just try to do better, mkay?

Just renewed my tags. Go me!!! However, Tuesday is *not* a good day to go to DEQ. Since it’s closed on Monday, going on Tuesday is like going on Monday. Wait, what did I write? Moving on…

One thing I like about the way the Cornelius Pass DEQ is set up is the lanes are all sloped downhill. Thus, after getting into the prodigious Lane 7, I turned my engine off and coasted whenever the line moved up. I figured that’d be just the logical thing to do.

Nope. There were probably 50 other cars in line, and I couldn’t spot a single one that *wasn’t* running. So basically, what we had was a bunch of cars burning fossil fuels and releasing pollutants for 30 minutes or so while waiting to get DEQ’d. Nice. I’m no Greenie or anything, but you’d think they’d put up a sign or something, right?

“Please turn off your car. This place is about reducing pollution…savvy?”

You may be aware that I’m a zero-tolerance driver. But as much as I’m irritated by bad driving, I’m equally annoyed at bad pedestrians. Especially in parking lots. So, a few guidelines for getting along with your 2000 pound metal friends.

1. Remember to walk on the left.

more scintillating verbage after the cut

BTW, RTFM = Read the Flippin’ Manual (meaning the Oregon Driver’s Manual or Bicycle Manual). Find them here

First, for the cyclists out there. And after you know and affirm this rule, you may call yourself a cyclist. Until then, you’re a bad driver on a bike. So far, I have just one rule for you.
You, too can be offended just by clicking here!!