Collateral Bloggage

Dear Employees,

I’ve been hearing a bit of griping about my mandatory monthly lunchtime departmental meetings.  I’d just like to give some perspective on the whole thing.

Now, I recognize that in lieu of the meeting, I could send out a short email to all concerned.  But you have to realize there are larger issues here.  Where else would we get a forum for the sycophants to ask meaningless, babbling questions?  As a manager, my main job is to justify my own existence.  Those questions are a big part of that.

And yes, I could attempt to schedule the meeting at an alternate time, but then how would you ever know  how much more important my time is than yours?  Should I really be expected to alter my schedule just to accommodate you people?  Why should I require you to spend five minutes reading an email when I can take up a full hour of your time in person?

I hope this helps.  Don’t feel you’re missing out on work here.  In fact, you’re just getting a little glimpse of the real work I do each and every day, for which the company pays me more than it pays you.

All employees are valuable in their own way.  Some of us are just more valuable.

Regards,
Hugh Irkfermeigh, one of your boss’s bosses

This one takes me back a bit. We took quite a few road trips in Texas during college, and Ray Stevens was our constant companion.  So, I give you The Streak!!!

At LeTourneau, we married students put on a lip sync of The Streak. Good stuff.

EMPLOYEE COMMUNICATIONS

Dear Employee,

At Corporate, we’re concerned that many employees are taking advantage of the company’s lax policies regarding personal time off (PTO).  It seems that at the merest hint of a bug “going around,” half the office is empty.  To that end, we’ve decided to rename PTO to PAOFITO, which translates to “Pretending and/or Feeling Ill Time Off.”  We feel this better captures the spirit of what you people are doing.

Please remember to put a PAOFITO appointment on your Outlook calendar when you’re pretending to be and/or feeling ill.  Planning ahead makes for easier coverage of your critical tasks.  Don’t worry, the company will go on just fine without you.

As always, employees are encouraged to maintain their health and take as few sick days as possible.  Of course, employees who do manage to stay well will not be compensated in any way.  But the company thanks them.

Source: O.Handwasher

I can’t really set this one up adequately, other than to say John Williams needs to get a restraining order against this guy, like now.

I must admit, this took a lot of skill to pull off.

Ballot Measure G fails

HOME DEPOT, US - Ballot Measure G, which attempted to redefine epoxy, has failed.  Supporters of the measure hoped that 2-part bonding-agent-only and 2-part resin-only adhesives could be sold as 2-part epoxies.

An epoxy, of course, is a thermosetting epoxide polymer that cures (polymerizes and crosslinks) when mixed with a catalyzing agent or hardener.  Without the catalyzing agent, the epoxy resin does not cure.  This was the crucial point for detractors of the ballot measure.

“You can’t call something an epoxy if it doesn’t stick.” said Elmer Sklew, a spokesperson for “Sticking up for Epoxy,” a non-profit defense-of-adhesives organization.

Supporters of the measure have said repeatedly that it is unfair and discriminatory to exclude resin-resin and catalyzer-catalyzer pairings as less valuable to society.  Unfortunately for the supporters of the measure, their bumper stickers kept slipping off cars.

Source: O.Handwasher

Once again it’s Jedi Master Derlla who gets the nod as a Too Funny contributor. Somewhere between human and pure energy, the missing link is…The Cyclists!

New Poll Shows that Polls Are Showing Perceived Lead for Candidate

PORTLAND, OR - New polling data are showing that polls are showing a growing lead for one of the Presidential Candidates.  These data should not be mistaken with an actual lead in the polls, but merely an indicator that a candidate is perceived as leading the polls.

The poll was conducted by RAM (Repeat After Me) Research.  The director of RAM Research, Sam Puller, is proud of the firm’s work.

“I’m just really pleased with the data we got here.  It’s not often you see results that match so tightly with expectations.  It’s really a tribute to the work our people did in preparing the participants.  We got all the most recent polling data that shows a lead for the candidate we support, showed it to folks, then asked them our list of questions.  Very scientific.”

The new poll asked only one question: “Who do you think this poll will say is leading?”

Source: O. Handwasher

Before we discovered Napolean Dynamite, we had a standard movie we’d watch whenever we’d watched something depressing and/or frightening.  That movie was UHF.  Yes, the Weird Al movie.  It’s probably the stupidest movie ever made, which is saying something when one considers the career of Ben Stiller.

But it’s clean and funny.  And completely random.  As an example, I give you…

24-Oct-2008

EMPLOYEE COMMUNICATIONS

Dear Valued Employee,

Perhaps you’ve noticed that our high-tech yet unreliable automatic paper towel dispensers have been even less reliable lately.  Please do not assume this is accidental.  We at Corporate found that employees have simply been relying too much on paper towels for their hand-drying needs.

As a result, Corporate has mandated that the towel dispensers only dispense lengths of 1.5 to 3.5 inches.  While this may not seem adequate for completely drying your hands, we think you will find that things will go just fine for you if you just try to dry smarter, not harder.

In addition, the towel dispensers will be calibrated over the next few weeks to both maximize cost savings and minimize environmental impact.  Part of the calibration process will include installation of biometric scanners which will prevent employees from using more towels than their allotted quota.

Employees will be asked to visit Badge & Key to submit fingerprints and retina scans for the biometric scanners.  These scanners will then be able to identify individual employees and make a determination of whether to dispense a towel.  Employees over their quota will be denied a towel, and there will be a limit of one towel per use.

Should you find that the petite towels are not sufficient for your drying purposes, we encourage you to get creative with alternative drying methods.  You may wish to wear absorbant clothing in order to provide yourself with a backup for a little extra drying, or in case you go over your limit.

Found wet and crumpled up next to the sink in the vending/refrigerator space by O. Handwasher.

Sorry…thought I’d scheduled this one.  Oh well, the youtube expired and I had to grab a new link anyway.

Ever wonder what happened to Obi-Wan between Episode III and A New Hope?  Well, even a Jedi Master’s got to pay the bills. Add a bit of film noir, and you’ve got something I’m guaranteed to enjoy and pass on.

Hat tip: Jedi Master Derlla Nasoj