Collateral Bloggage

Well, those of you who regularly read my stuff must have expected this day:  I’ve been published.  In The Hillsboro Library News.  I know.  Totally.  I’ll pardon you as you stagger back in wonder.

Published!

I get bonus points for having a sentence fragment with borderline grammar published. How’d this happen?  Well, it’s about the Hillsboro Library’s Summer Reading Program.  Basically, you fill out a little sheet of paper with the Author and Title of a book you finish, then submit a short review of it (there are four lines on the 3″x3″ paper for the review).  The library actually called me to get permission to use my reviews.  I told them to use whatever they wanted.

When I told my wife they’d published my review, she was expecting something longer than a sentence fragment.  I guess I hadn’t adequately described the size of the work…

I make a New Year’s Resolution basically every year to submit something for publication.  Does this count?

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Congrats to the Tampa Bay Rays.  Now they get to take on the Phillies in the World Series.  I’m pulling for the Phils, but it’s hard not to root for a team that beat out the Yanks and Red Sox.  I’m really just hoping for a seven game series.

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Happy Birthday to The Fair Elaine.  You can head over to her blog and extend fond wishes if you’d like.  She’s now as old as I am, at least for the next 27 days.  But who’s counting?

Perhaps you’d expect to see this announcement over at the Handwasher Blog, but Mr. Handwasher and I agreed that if less is more, imagine how much more more could be!  So, you may see this in two places.  The announcement?  October 15th.  Save the date.  It’s Global Handwashing Day!!!

Now, I realize that the “holiday” is meant to bring awareness and improved cleansing of hands around the world, particularly in developing nations and places where infectious disease is more of a threat than here in the good-old-U.S.  But I think it’s a great time to encourage all the fake-hand-washers you know to make some sort of attempt at actual hygiene.

Don’t think you know any fakers?  You do.  Just pick ten random men that you know.  Eight or nine of them are fakers.  I’m totally going to make a sign to post on the mirror in my work restroom.  I’ll post (er, I mean, Mr. Handwasher will post) a picture of it on the Handwasher Blog.

Oh…linkage.  Check out the Global Handwashing Day website.

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Just a random thing about me…I don’t like shoes.  I feel they have extremely limited utility.  I like my Birkenstocks, but mostly even then because I can easily kick them off while at my desk.  I nearly always buy shoes with no laces so I can slip them off whenever I feel like it…which is most of the time.

However, I have a pair of Steve Maddens from Famous Footwear that I rarely take off even when I could.  I actually like a pair of shoes!!!

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As much as I harp on football, I actually do enjoy football highlights.  I just don’t like that Sportscenter can always find a way to lead with football even when it’s not football season.  Yesterday, Ethan and I turned on Fox to watch the NLCS and caught the last few minutes of the Cowboys-Cardinals game.  Ending it in overtime on a blocked punt touchdown was awesome.  And the Cowboys lost, which always brings a smile to my face.

There were actually two blocked punts on Sunday.  Cool.  There was a cool double reverse pass thingy…nice.  I’m a sucker for trick plays.  Baseball’s still better, but I can appreciate the good parts of football, even if the over-the-top celebrations for well-timed tackles bother me.

And I’ve realized that Ethan’s sports education is a bit one-sided.  He knows that you can take first base if the catcher drops strike three and first base is open, but he had no idea what a touchdown was.  He thinks football is a game we play out in the greenspace, where I kick the ball, then let him get to it, pick him up, and shake him upside down until he drops it.  At some point maybe I’ll fill in some of the blanks for him.  I don’t want him to be one of those guys who’s nervous to go to a Super Bowl party because he’s afraid the other guys will find out he doesn’t know anything about the game.

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While The Fair Elaine was out of town, I decided to cook.  I made awesome Lentil Soup.  Here’s the recipe if you’re interested.  It’s vegan and delicious.  Oh, and it was an alteration of a recipe from the Veganomicon.

2 cups lentils (Any of the brown/green/black variety should work.  Pink or yellow not so much)
8 cups vegetable broth (I used Imagine Foods’ “No Chicken Broth”)
4 carrots
4 stalks celery
1 small/medium onion
4 Yukon gold potatoes
4 cloves garlic (feel free to adjust to taste)
1 Tbsp olive oil
1 tsp tarragon
1/2 tsp thyme
1/2 tsp paprika
salt and pepper to taste

Finely dice the onion.  Mince the garlic.  Chop the carrots and celery into 1/4″ slices.  Cut potatoes into chunks of whatever size you wish.

In a large pot (I used cast iron), saute the veggies in the olive oil until the onions start to color.  Maybe 5-10 minutes.

Add the spices, vegetable broth, and lentils.  Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and cover.  Simmer 45 minutes or until lentils are tender.

Serve with whole grain bread.  Yum!

BTW, I also added some leeks because I had them.  But I don’t think they’d make or break the recipe.  Oh, and Ethan loved the soup.  He even ate leftovers the next day.

I’ve looked for this video since the first time I did a Too Funny post.  I have now found it.  I’ll just put this question to you for consideration:  has anyone ever so effectively looked dumb as Martin Short does in this?

I’m fairly certain my alarm went off at 6:30 this morning.  I, however, went on sleeping.  I guess I thought it was Sunday.  Didn’t get in to work until about 10am.  Nice.

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I spend a good deal of time reading.  When I commented some time ago about the fact that I average about a book per week (my currently reading and recently finished lists are somewhere over on the right side of this page), someone asked me, “How much time do you spend reading every day?”  I had no reply.  Reading is such a part of my day that I generally don’t pay much attention to how much I do it.  So I’ve started taking note.  Last Wednesday, I decided to pay attention.  The breakdown was this:

Before work:

• 15 minutes in Jeremiah (5 chapters)
• 10 minutes in The Origin and History of the Doctrine of Endless Punishment (finished a chapter)

At work:

• 20 minutes in The Elements of Style (at a Blood drive - more on that later - while a needle hung out of my arm - and on the walk to it and back - yes, I read while walking)
• 10 minutes in The Elements of Style (while eating lunch - finally finished the book)

Back home:

• 10 minutes in 50 Physics Ideas You Really Need to Know (probably would’ve read more, but we stayed up late watching John Adams on DVD - more on that later)

That only adds up to 65 minutes, which seems a bit low to me.  If I hadn’t finished Style, and I’d had something more engrossing than Origin (don’t get me wrong, it’s really good in its way!), I might have read for another half-hour or so.  I figure I tend toward 90 minutes during the week, maybe 30 minutes on the weekend.  Is that a lot?

I seriously doubt I’ve gone a whole day without reading something in a very, very long time.

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Speaking of Blood Drives, have you donated lately?  Not to brag or anything, but my blood is very popular (since I’m O+, anybody with the RH factor can use mine).  They basically call me every eight weeks, and I’m in the habit of donating.  I have no great love of needles, but I have great veins and they’ve only missed mine three times in my 39 donations (Wednesday being #3).  I’m one pint away from my fifth gallon, and I’m unreasonably excited about reaching that milestone.

Seriously, it’s really not that bad, even if you’re averse to needles.  It’s a good thing to do, and they give you cookies!  Plus, how often do you consider questions like “Have you ever had Chagas’ Disease?” or “In the past eight weeks, have you donated a double unit of red blood cells on an apheresis machine?” (Yes, I have that question memorized.  It’s on my long list of “No” responses.)

I like shaming my coworkers after donating, with my nice little arm wrap and the beautiful iodine stain on my arm.  I go around telling them that I had some ill humors drained.  And they don’t even use leeches anymore!

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I love TV on DVD.  I got John Adams from the library, and it’s well worth the overdue fee I’ll be paying for it.  The performances are uniformly brilliant, and it’s just one of those shows that makes you want to read.  At least, it makes me want to read more about that period.  Since I haven’t had a U.S. History course since 10th grade (yeah…1989), it’s something I’d like to become more familiar with.  Look for my book list to include some early American history books next year.

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Ethan and I are enjoying the MLB Playoffs right now.  Ethan seems to think that since the Rays were terrible last year and yet really good this year, and since the Mariners were terrible this year…(ah, the hopes of a young lad)

I don’t want to burst his bubble.  The Mariner could be substantially better next year if the organization starts paying attention to what the USSMariner guys say.

Oh, and I can’t believe the Cubs lost.  That, my friends, is why they play the game.

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Pushing Daisies is just a complete delight.  When I first heard about the show (long before it came out), I figured it would be morbid and gothic, for some reason.  It’s more like the Wizard of Oz.  Hmm.  I was going to go with a couple more comparisons here, but none of them really work.  Because Daisies is just different.  The show totally does not work without the narrator, Jim Dale, who should get an Emmy.

The cast is awesome, and what’s not to love about characters named Ned, Chuck (female), Olive Snook, and Emerson Cod?  I have a man crush on Emerson, if for nothing else, his tirade in last week’s episode about men not being allowed to cry.  The finger wag made the whole thing.

Oh, hey, I just found out what the show is…it’s a forensic fairy-tale.  That’s perfect.  Found it on Wikipedia, and I believe it because I found it online.

My favorite line from the narrator?  Sorry, slight bad wordage: “Harold Hundin was, indeed, a damn polygamist.”  It was funny when Emerson said it; funnier when done in Jim Dale’s whimsical voiceover.

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I still have more things about which to muse.  I guess I should save them for next week since I’m now at nearly 900 words.

I’m not what you’d call a Reality TV junkie.  But I’m not a Reality-Hater either.  I enjoy Survivor sometimes, American Idol occasionally (although there’s less and less to enjoy every year), So You Think You Can Dance due to its superiority, and The Amazing Race immensely.  It’s on again, and it’s still just incredibly awesome.  Why is it awesome?  Well, because, unlike Survivor, it’s a show I’d actually like to be on.  Who wouldn’t want to race around the world for a million bucks?

And I love watching the teams melt down after weeks of constant stress.  My favorite team thus far is one where the guy (it’s a couple) keeps talking about how he just wants to be held, and how it bothers him that the girl keeps talking other teams.  They’re hilariously strange.

Unfortunately, the Oregon Connection (beekeepers who look like they just escaped Woodstock) were the first team to go.  Bummer.

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Robert Crais writes good crime fiction.  Just lettin’ you know.  I’m reading Chasing Darkness, and it’s just incredibly readable and engrossing.  Some language, and the subject matter is crime, so be forewarned.  But if you’re into private-detective-type-stuff, Crais is a good choice.

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I’ve been having a great time bike-commuting to work.  But evidently I’m just too fat, and one of my spokes is now broken.  So I must get it fixed.  Bummer, that.

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My Subbatical has ended.  Eight weeks flew by, and the guy I was covering for is now back.  Fortunately, he doesn’t really want to take back over the stuff he handed off, so I get to keep doing his job.  Which is okay as jobs go.

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The baseball season is over.  Unless you’re a Twins or White Sox fan.  The awesome thing is, Twins fans still have a reason to watch baseball, and the Twins have already played their 162 games.  But the White Sox have only played 161, and they have one fewer win than the Twins (which means, Jill, that they’re a half-game back).  Since they’re both in the A.L. Central, the Sox have to play a makeup game today (making up a rainout).  If they win, they tie the Twins for the Central Title.  And then they’ll have to play a one-game-playoff to decide who wins the division.  But if they lose the game today, the Twins take the division without the playoff.  Clear?

Ethan was surprisingly unbummed about the Mariners’ season being over.  He just said, “now we’ll have to watch the Cubs and the Dodgers and the Angels.”  Yeah, he knew those three teams were in the postseason, just off the top of his head.  That’s my boy!

I’m a big fan of cucumbers.  Indeed, I don’t think I’ve ever met one I didn’t like.  I like cukes sliced, speared, pickled (sweet pickles aren’t a favorite), shredded…you get the picture.  I don’t think I’d be crazy about them cooked, but just about any fresh application is attractive to me.

The latest way I’ve found I like them?  Armenian.  A while back, Ethan and I were perusing the vegetable section of New Seasons (something one does when one is mostly Veg), and we spotted something new.  Being a fan of nearly all vegetables (I can’t claim to hold great affection for okra), I moved in to check it out.  Turns out, it was an Armenian Cucumber.

Ethan liked it so much that he now eschews the other kind (although on the whole, he’s cooled on cukes in general).  They’re not as seedy, and the seeds aren’t as slimy as your garden-variety cuke.  The skin is a bit thicker, and they’re just crunchier than average.  The mouth feel is somewhere between kohlrabi and raw potato (both of which are awesome).

Mmm...cukes

Just thought I’d share.

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I admit I like award shows. Especially ones that show actual clips of the nominees. So, I DVR’d the Emmys and watched it on FFWD (that way I could skip all the scripted banter and just see the winners). I have no idea how Michael Emerson didn’t win for his work on Lost (or how he didn’t win last year…oh, Terry O’Quinn won. Ok.).

But for me, the highlight was Josh Groban’s medley of TV theme songs.  The guy just obviously takes himself too seriously.

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On the subject of watching spectacles, I also watched the last game to be played at the current Yankee Stadium.  Very cool history there, and it was a cool thing to watch.  Even cooler?  The Yankees not making the playoffs.  It just proves that you can’t buy a World Series.  Unless you can.  Becuz the Red Sox are still in it.  Me?  I’m going for the Cubbies this year, though I’d be happy to see the Rays take it and then move to Portland (maybe we’d actually fill the stadium?).

There’s a new Ender book coming out in November!!!  Yes, Orson Scott Card posted on his blog that Ender in Exile will be coming out in November!!!!  Did I mention it’s coming out in November!!!???

You might guess I’m a huge fan of the Ender series.  You’d be right.  If you’re even remotely interested in Science Fiction, you need to read Ender’s Game.  It’s a classic, and it’s an easy read.  The sequel, Speaker for the Dead, is currently my favorite book.  I don’t see that changing.

Thus far, there are eight major fiction works in the Ender series (although half the series is really a spinoff, albeit a really good one).  I’m excited to read number nine.  Did I convey that adequately?

Oh, and my birthday’s in November.  Just sayin’.

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The Bathroom Blog is now well underway.  Mr. Handwasher is doing his level best to inform and appall the world about what’s wrong with our restrooms.  Go over there and check it out.  He’s lonely.  I promise there’s some funny stuff over there.  And he takes submissions from readers.

And yes, I called it a Restroom Blog last week.  So maybe I’m (I mean, Mr. Handwasher is) confused about what it should be called.  There’s even a poll there for helping choose the title.  Seriously…go!

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It’s the season of Politics.  I’m tempted to do political posts (the JibJab one doesn’t count).  But like many bumper stickers that, regardless of what they say, boil down to “let’s not hang out,” political posts generally do more harm than good.  So, let this be my lone political post.  And the content?  “I’m not going to do political posts.”

I hope this lapse into political discussion hasn’t alienated anyone.

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I love baseball, and I’m saddened that football has now begun.  I follow the stories of football, because I’m also just a general sports fan, but I don’t spend much time thinking about it or watching it.  Baseball, on the other hand, I consume in typical American portions.

As a Northwest Baseball Fan, there really hasn’t been much to celebrate this year.  The Mariners have stunk it up through a mixture of Front Office and Managerial Ineptitude and On-The-Field Suckiness.  One of the only bright spots this year has been Brandon Morrow.  Early in the season, J.J. Putz went on the DL (Disabled List), and the M’s needed a closer.  Morrow stepped in and blew hitters away with almost exclusively cheddar (meaning really, really, really hard fastballs).

Then, much to the delight of the Mariner bloggers, the organization realized they’d be better served by having Morrow as a starting pitcher.  They sent him down to Tacoma to stretch out his arm and finally put him against big league hitters as a starter on Friday.

All he did was come within four outs of throwing a no-hitter.  That was awesome.  I’ll be completely glued to his next start (which will come against the Angels, and it won’t be easy).  Finally, a reason to watch the Mariners.  Not that I’ve needed one thus far other than “they’re there.”  Still, it’s nice to have a reason.

NFL Defensive Lineman REALLY Proud of Tackle

LOWBROW, USA - A Defensive Lineman for a prominent NFL team is really, really proud of a play he made in last weekend’s game.  He wants it made clear that he’s just really, really pumped that he was able to break free from the other big, fat “athlete” on the Offensive Line, and get to the ball-carrier and perform a precision move known as a “tackle.”

A tackle occurs when one big, fat guy grabs and either throws to the ground or jumps on top of another guy.  It’s a rare move, happening only approximately 100 times per game.  Over the course of the regular season, there are 256 games played.  In a typical game, there are approximately 125 plays.  Allowing for 10 scoring plays and 15 out-of-bounds plays, that leaves approximately 100 tackles per game.  The season total, therefore, is around 25,000 tackles.

But that should not diminish the accomplishment the Defensive Lineman feels.  In fact, he was so excited about the tackle that he broke into a spontaneous display of emotion and exuberance.  He was even joined by several teammates in the celebration.

The tackle occurred at two minutes and thirteen seconds into the second quarter, on first down, stopping the running back from making a first down.  That potential first down could have resulted in a long drive resulting in a touchdown or field goal.  The other team scored on the next play.  But that also should not diminish the rare accomplishment of the Defensive Lineman doing exactly what he’s paid for.

Source: O.Handwasher
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Disclaimer: Mr. Handwasher does not like football.  His views should not be considered representative of anyone but himself and all the contributors to this site.  His views are his own and should not be taken as anything but completely correct.

Dear Sir or Madam,

We’re writing you this letter to inform you that your son is simply too good to play baseball for our league.

Perhaps this sounds strange.  You may think that Youth League Baseball would want to bring in as many talented players as possible.  This is simply not true.  We are, in fact, attempting to put together a league that is uniformly mediocre.  Your son simply does not fit our paradigm.  His ability to throw the ball harder than the average player, hit the ball with more power, and run the bases faster renders him ineligible for our league.

Some parents, on receiving this letter, have instructed their children to “dog it,” as they say.  We discourage this practice, and we maintain a list of players who have been rated “too good.”

Keep in mind that keeping the general level of play somewhere between “okay” and “laughable,” we’re assuring that no child feels badly about his performance.  The last thing we want is for the kids to get too involved in the games.  Why should a child have to cry after striking out?

And on that subject, there have been several major rule changes in our league.  For instance, we’re no longer counting balls and strikes.  The kids will simply get to stay at bat until they either get a hit or decide they’d rather just go to first.  Once on base, they will be able to either stay on the same base or advance to another one.  Actually, there aren’t actual “bases,” since some children might find it difficult to stand on such a small target.  What we have now is “base zones,” which allow a child to stand where he thinks the base should be.  This also allows for multiple occupancy of a base zone, which traditionally is not allowed.  But we find that some kids just are not comfortable running to another base zone.

Each half-inning will consist of all nine players coming to bat once.  The responsibility of the defensive team will be to throw the balls back to the pitcher when (or if) they are hit.  No attempts will be made to put out a runner.  The fielders will be permitted to catch a ball in play, but no outs will be awarded.

On the offensive team, all hits will be singles.  We don’t want the pitcher to feel he’s doing badly just because another boy hits the ball hard.

One really great thing about our league this year is that we don’t require umpires.  We just felt that the umps were responsible for much of the emotional distress our players experienced last year.

With all these rule changes, the games become really quite unimportant.  This will lend to the kids having a better time during the before and after game refreshment period.  Parents are asked to bring cookies and sugary drinks so the kids will feel they accomplished something:  eating unhealthfully.

In closing, we’d like to ask you for referrals of slow and unathletic kids.  We are having some difficulty fielding any teams.

Best Regards,

Lou Sirs

Commissioner, BaseZoneBall

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I know, I know…this just wasn’t snarky enough.  It comes in response to a news story about a kid being banned from pitching in a youth league because he throws too hard.  He hasn’t hit any batters.  He’s just intimidating.  His team is actually under threat of being disbanded because they’ve refused to comply with the ban and want to keep running him out there.

I played Little League.  I struck out.  I cried.  Then I went out and tried to get a hit the next time.  It was good for me.  How is this difficult to understand?  In Anchorage, there was always a Samoan team, and their kids were half again as big as us.  It was brutal to pitch to them.  I still did it.  And you know what?  When we beat them, we actually felt good about it.  Normally we got our hineys handed to us.  On all the other teams, there was always a kid who was clearly the best player.  We tried to not let him beat us.  Sometimes he did.  Sometimes he didn’t.

It’s almost as if dealing with adversity can be positive!!!  What a concept!!!

It’s true that the parents of this kid were offerred the chance to move their son up a level, to play with older kids.  While that might seem to make sense on the surface, there’s no reason to think that, just because he throws hard, that he’s necessarily ready to play all aspects of the game against older kids.  It would be unfair to make him face older kids’ pitching if he hasn’t built an offensive skillset properly.  If he’s up to it offensively, I’d be inclined (as a parent) to move him up.  But it shouldn’t be forced.

Okay, enough snark…

Chinese Life Expectancy Increased by 25%

BEIJING, CHINA - The World Health Organization (WHO) has upgraded the life expectancy of the Chinese from 72.9 to 97.2 years.  This comes in response to the apparent lack of a normal rate of aging, particularly in the Chinese Ladies’ Gymnastics team.

“The rationale here is simple,” said C. Redulous, a representative of the WHO, “we’ve got a bunch of fifteen-year-olds on the Gymnastic squad who look like ten- or twelve-year-olds.  What conclusion can be drawn, other than that the Chinese are now aging at a slower rate than the rest of us?”

There has been considerable controversy over the apparently underage athletes at the Beijing Games.  But the case has been closed and all the athletes’ ages verified through a rigorous course of asking the Chinese Olympic Committee to be “really, really serious and honest and stuff” with the world.  Thus assured, the only conclusion is that the Chinese are simply not aging as quickly as the rest of the world.

It has been estimated that the Chinese are aging at a rate 25% slower than the rest of the world.  Thus, the 25% increase in life expectancy.  It has been noted, however, that the increase in life expectancy may only apply to females, since the male athletes appear to be aging at normal rates.

In other news, several top American actresses have announced plans to move to China.

Source: O. Handwasher