Foney Friday: Defective Discipline
Dad Outlines Plan for Correcting Son's Behavior
WASHINGTON, DC---A Local Dad is pretty upset with the behavior of his son and has decided to outline a plan to correct his behavior.
Mr. P. Resident realizes that the first step is in recognizing that the behavior of his son, Stan, is completely unacceptable and must be corrected.
"This kind of behavior requires swift and sure action, and it's a fight that I and his mother are determined to win," said Mr. Resident.
He further explained that in order to bring about the behavioral changes he requires, Stan will be sent to his room until his attitude improves and he apologizes.
He will also be allowed to leave his room after thirty minutes with or without behavioral changes.
Mr. Resident thinks this strategy will work.
Source: O.Handwasher, who thinks a good whuppin' is in order.
Foney Friday: Unload That Cargo!
JAPAN--- In a move termed* “bizarre” and “just downright strange,” Japan’s All Nippon Airlines has decided to crack down on its passengers’ full bladders. Indeed, the airline will be encouraging/asking passengers to avail themselves of airport restrooms before boarding.
This movement, so to speak, is intended to cut down on excess weight, thereby reducing fuel usage and carbon emissions.
The news came as a crushing blow to all those hoards of passengers who are just dying to squeeze into the airplane restroom, then have a difficult time even turning around in the space, have their ears blown out by the volcanic flush of the toilet, then struggle to escape with their hands adequately cleansed due to poor handwashing design.
Source: O.Handwasher, who is not known as Iron Bladder for nothing
* By this columnist
Foney Friday: Never Metaphor I Couldn’t Mix
I consider the English language to be my personal playground. I love coming up with new ways of expressing myself, and the mixed metaphor is at the head of the crop.
Of course, there are two kinds of metaphor-mixing to be done, and they’re as different as night and ice. The First Kind is to smash-up two metaphors into one nonsensical one. The Second Kind involves putting two normal metaphors back to back in a way that doesn’t make sense. Which kind should I use?
The First Kind is easier, so I’ve been advised to go that route. But that kind of advice really goes in one ear and off a duck’s back. I’ve never been one to take the lesser of two high roads.
And it’s not like the First Kind is like shooting fish in a barrel of monkeys with a ten-foot-pole. It can be quite a jagged pill to hoe, or even a tough row to swallow.
The Second Kind is definitely harder. You have to really step up to the plate and throw a Hail Mary and drive hard to the rim, pressing hard toward the finish line the whole way. It takes concentration and the kind of tunnel vision that lets you hear a pin drop. It’s not for the faint of heart to go rushing in where angels fear to tread.
All of this places me on the ropes of a dilemma. Straddling the fence post. But do I have to choose? No!, I say. I’ll side with the great Yogi. When I come to a fork in the road, I’ll take it.
I say that, at least for now, I’m going to stick to my ribs and keep the pedal to the grindstone. I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other and let nothing move me. I’ll swim against the current and go with the crowd. As for the decision, I’ll cross that bridge when I jump in with both feet.
After all, who wants to be stuck between a rock and a conundrum?
From O.Handwasher’s forthcoming book, English as a Secondhand Language
Foney Friday: Bite-Sized Foneys
Apparently not able to come up with my own ideas anymore, I just looked at Popular Stories on a news site and decided to tweak them a bit. See if you can find where I veered into snarkasm.
Security Priorities:
In a security drill, investigators smuggled bomb components into 10 government buildings. They then used the bathrooms to assemble the bombs and carried them into several offices without being questioned. In more positive news, local libraries are still keeping people from taking out the books without checking them out.
Is This Mean?:
Oscar Mayer died Tuesday at the age of ninety-five. His last words were reported to be: "It's people!"
Ground Meat:
Two men were arrested and charged with animal cruelty after dragging a stubborn bull behind their car for a half-mile. In an effort to make amends with the local populous, they're holding a burger cookout later this week.
Save our Stupidity!:
A Canadian natural gas pipeline was bombed for the sixth time in nine months, the work of apparent environmental activists. Because nothing says "Save the Planet" like exploding fossil fuels.
Foney Friday: Want Flies With That?
Obama taking a hard line on fly terrorism
WASHINGTON, DC --- President Obama is making it clear he's not taking any guff from flying insects. While filming an interview with CNBC, Obama administered an epic beatdown to a particularly persistent pest.
(video embedded)
Many are praising the President's initiative and fly-killing technique, saying that this country needs decisive and inspired leadership in the larger war on vermin.
Still others worry that such an aggressive response will only serve to embolden the fringe factions in the fly community, leading to an escalation in fly terrorism.
Source: O.Handwasher, proud member of the National Rubberband Association, dedicated to arming the citizenry against the forces of crawling and flying creepiness.
Foney Friday: Think Outside Your Waistline
Fast Food Franchise Turning Molehills Into Mountains
PRIMETIME, TV -- Taco Bell this week unveiled a new series of their infamous "Fourthmeal" commercials with the novel tagline, "because obesity doesn't happen on its own."
There's really nothing much more to add to that.
Source: O. Handwasher, who recognizes he hasn't done this in a while and wanted to start back in with a short one.
Foney Fridays: Soap Springs Eternal
Local Man Takes to Washing His Hands
HILLSBORO, OR -- A Hillsboro man has decided that it's time he started washing his hands more often. The deciding factor: Swine Flu.
"That Swine Flu is scary, man. I'm just going to do my part and not spread disease."
At least, he's not going to spread that disease. Because the man still doesn't think much of washing after using the toilet.
Said the man, "Look, I'll wash after I sneeze, because that's what the signs I'm seeing popping up all over my building say. But don't expect me to go all uber-hygienic or anything. I'll still wash after using the toilet the way I always have."
Asked for more specifics on his post-evacuation-hand-cleansing, he explained that he believes coliform bacteria are frightened off at the mere proximity of water, so his sub-two-second "washing" works. But after a cough or a sneeze, he'll be serious about it and even use soap.
So be safe out there, my friends, for it appears that there's more than one kind of pig spreading disease these days.
Source: O.Handwasher, who was into the whole hygiene thing before it was cool.
Foney Fridays: April Not-Suffering-Fools-Lightly Day
Transcript from a real* IT call on April Fools' Day:
IT: "Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?"
Caller: "Umm...no, it's not a problem with my computer. It's the Company Home Page."
IT: "The company line on this, sir, is that every one of those so-called informative articles is worth your time. And worth what we payed somebody to write them."
Caller: "No, the content is fine. Well, sort of. I mean, some of the articles are weird. We're merging with GE, really? I mean, that's above my pay grade. But it's really the stock quote I was wondering about. It says stock's at $350, which seems really high since the Yahoo! quote is more like $15.
IT: "Oh, right. What's your ID number again? We'll have somebody out there in just a tick."
Caller: "An IT guy's going to come to my desk?"
IT: "Nope. A security guard. He'll be walking you out of the building."
*"real" = "if only 'twere real, 'twould be 'twerrific"
Source: O.Handwasher, who finds contentment in not paying too much attention to the company's stock quote.
Foney Fridays: Contract Sports
Psst! I overheard an interesting conversation the other day. As you may be aware, MegaCorp Corporation, Inc., went to a new Collective Bargaining Agreement about five years ago. With the new agreement came a scrapping of the old Ranting and Raving process for employee evaluation. Under the new terms, players are individually assessed and signed to contracts based on their performance. But you may never have been privy to what, exactly, goes on behind the scenes before the Front Office folks make their contract offers to a guy. So check it out (the parentheticals are all from me, explaining some of the acronyms):
Manager #1: I just don't see how you can't be on board with a multi-year deal for this guy. I mean, look at his power numbers! His TRP (Test Report Percentage) is consistently among the highest in the company. He's made huge strides in making contact, too. His ERT (Email Response Time) is way shorter than it was last year. And he does the little things. I mean, look at this (here he used a visual aid I wasn't able to see): His OTP (On-Time Percentage) and WIA (Weather Independent Attendance) are both through the roof. How can you not lock a guy like this up? I say five years, $xxxxxx (amount removed...it would only depress you).
Manager #2: Look, the power numbers are impressive, and they really do put butts in the seats, but I'm more concerned that his underlying stats are eroding. How do we know he hasn't peaked? If you chart his ARCP (A.R. Completion Percentage) over the past three years, which I have (he totally had, but I couldn't see it), you'll see it's in steady decline. It's a clear warning sign that this guy's best years are behind him.
Manager #3: I'm with M1 (not his real name) here. This guy puts up great raw power numbers, and he's a leader on the team. How are you not gonna lock him up? I don't want to get into all the deep, dark statistics here. I just look at him and see Franchise Worker. He's still a star.
Manager #2: Leader? Really? Don't tell me you haven't noticed the spike in his SF (Snark Frequency). What kind of leader makes that many snarky comments during meetings? He's setting a bad example for the young kids. And need I remind you that our Farm Company is a bit thin right now? We've got to focus on those kids and make sure the guys we've got in the Big Club are really worth the money. I'd be willing to look at two years, but anything longer and I think we end up eating the contract.
I'll spoil the ending for you, because I started thinking about the Battlestar Finale this weekend and kinda lost focus on the meeting (and my stats totally show that that's been happening more and more). But I heard what they ended up with: Two years with a vesting option for a third year based on attendance and Meeting Average. Then they moved on to a "scrappy" (geeky) little guy who doesn't put up the power numbers but is perceived as "gritty." Of course, all my "grit" didn't get me a multi-year deal. But I'm happy with a one-year contract. You know, I'm just gonna go out and take it one day at a time and let the work come to me. I'll do what I can to help the team...
Source: O.Handwasher, MVP of your Fantasy Workplace Team
Foney Fridays: Why They Play the Game
Dominicans Show Up, Still Lose
SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico -- One of the expected contenders in the World Baseball Classic, the team from the Dominican Republic, has been ousted after losing twice to the team from the Netherlands. The first loss was perceived to be a fluke, as the Dominican team sports a number of Major League stars, while the Netherlanders do not. But with the second loss and accordant elimination, questions had to be asked.
When asked to explain his strategy going in to the second game, Dominican Manager Felipe Alou commented, "We didn't want to change our strategy. We showed up for the game. What more could we have done?"
Of course, it may seem strange that Alou expected just showing up would be good enough. But, he reasoned, the United States Congress has been doing that for a number of years, so why shouldn't it work in baseball?
Source: O.Handwasher, who notes that baseball is awesome and shouldn't be confused with politics, which is not awesome.