Collateral Bloggage

EMPLOYEE COMMUNICATIONS

Dear Employee,

At Corporate, we’re concerned that many employees are taking advantage of the company’s lax policies regarding personal time off (PTO).  It seems that at the merest hint of a bug “going around,” half the office is empty.  To that end, we’ve decided to rename PTO to PAOFITO, which translates to “Pretending and/or Feeling Ill Time Off.”  We feel this better captures the spirit of what you people are doing.

Please remember to put a PAOFITO appointment on your Outlook calendar when you’re pretending to be and/or feeling ill.  Planning ahead makes for easier coverage of your critical tasks.  Don’t worry, the company will go on just fine without you.

As always, employees are encouraged to maintain their health and take as few sick days as possible.  Of course, employees who do manage to stay well will not be compensated in any way.  But the company thanks them.

Source: O.Handwasher

Ballot Measure G fails

HOME DEPOT, US - Ballot Measure G, which attempted to redefine epoxy, has failed.  Supporters of the measure hoped that 2-part bonding-agent-only and 2-part resin-only adhesives could be sold as 2-part epoxies.

An epoxy, of course, is a thermosetting epoxide polymer that cures (polymerizes and crosslinks) when mixed with a catalyzing agent or hardener.  Without the catalyzing agent, the epoxy resin does not cure.  This was the crucial point for detractors of the ballot measure.

“You can’t call something an epoxy if it doesn’t stick.” said Elmer Sklew, a spokesperson for “Sticking up for Epoxy,” a non-profit defense-of-adhesives organization.

Supporters of the measure have said repeatedly that it is unfair and discriminatory to exclude resin-resin and catalyzer-catalyzer pairings as less valuable to society.  Unfortunately for the supporters of the measure, their bumper stickers kept slipping off cars.

Source: O.Handwasher

New Poll Shows that Polls Are Showing Perceived Lead for Candidate

PORTLAND, OR - New polling data are showing that polls are showing a growing lead for one of the Presidential Candidates.  These data should not be mistaken with an actual lead in the polls, but merely an indicator that a candidate is perceived as leading the polls.

The poll was conducted by RAM (Repeat After Me) Research.  The director of RAM Research, Sam Puller, is proud of the firm’s work.

“I’m just really pleased with the data we got here.  It’s not often you see results that match so tightly with expectations.  It’s really a tribute to the work our people did in preparing the participants.  We got all the most recent polling data that shows a lead for the candidate we support, showed it to folks, then asked them our list of questions.  Very scientific.”

The new poll asked only one question: “Who do you think this poll will say is leading?”

Source: O. Handwasher

24-Oct-2008

EMPLOYEE COMMUNICATIONS

Dear Valued Employee,

Perhaps you’ve noticed that our high-tech yet unreliable automatic paper towel dispensers have been even less reliable lately.  Please do not assume this is accidental.  We at Corporate found that employees have simply been relying too much on paper towels for their hand-drying needs.

As a result, Corporate has mandated that the towel dispensers only dispense lengths of 1.5 to 3.5 inches.  While this may not seem adequate for completely drying your hands, we think you will find that things will go just fine for you if you just try to dry smarter, not harder.

In addition, the towel dispensers will be calibrated over the next few weeks to both maximize cost savings and minimize environmental impact.  Part of the calibration process will include installation of biometric scanners which will prevent employees from using more towels than their allotted quota.

Employees will be asked to visit Badge & Key to submit fingerprints and retina scans for the biometric scanners.  These scanners will then be able to identify individual employees and make a determination of whether to dispense a towel.  Employees over their quota will be denied a towel, and there will be a limit of one towel per use.

Should you find that the petite towels are not sufficient for your drying purposes, we encourage you to get creative with alternative drying methods.  You may wish to wear absorbant clothing in order to provide yourself with a backup for a little extra drying, or in case you go over your limit.

Found wet and crumpled up next to the sink in the vending/refrigerator space by O. Handwasher.

17-OCT-2008

EMPLOYEE COMMUNICATIONS

Dear Employee,

In the interest of improving our workforce’s productivity, the Board of Directors, in cooperation with the CEO, COO, CFO, and CMO of Incorporated Corporation Corp, Inc., have decided on a plan of action.  New tools for source code management, documentation, and defect tracking will be rolled out company-wide.

The new tools, bought at great expense from a competing company, will be deployed across all work groups starting this month.  The process of deployment will take approximately three years.  At that time, we will reassess to find out if there is another set of tools which would better suit our needs.

During deployment, all employees of the targeted organization will be asked to attend mandatory training (five employees at a time) for three continuous weeks, including weekends.  Employees will be encouraged not to leave company property for the duration of the training.  Some consideration will be given to short breaks for meals and personal hygiene.

Prior to the training roll-out, employees and work groups will be asked to end-of-life all current systems for source code management, documentation and defect tracking.  No additional working on source code or documentation will be permitted during the switchover to the new system.  This should dovetail nicely with the total restriction on entering new defects against source code or documentation during the roll-out.

Some employees may balk at these policies, preferring to do, as they would say, “Real, actual work.”  The officers of the board and the chief operating officers of this corporation would like to respond to this sentiment.  To that end, there are building maps attached to this memo, detailing where the doors are.

The next three years will be difficult, as all employees are asked to stop using the tools they are familiar with and start using new ones arbitrarily chosen by higher-ups who do not understand the kind of work they do.  But, in the end, the company will be more efficient for having taken this time to move toward more efficiency.

Managers, please forward this memo to all your direct reports.  Admins, please forward out to your entire department.  Managers, upon receipt of the forwarded memos from your admins, please forward out again to your direct reports, but with “FYI” at the top of the message.  This is the first step toward greater efficiency.

All individual employees are encouraged to print a hard copy of this memo.  In addition, you may wish to bind it on your hands and/or foreheads, to post it on the doorway into your cubicle, to talk about it when you get up and when you sit down and as you walk the hallways.

Discovered, printed, crumpled, thrown away, retrieved, pressed, and posted outside the cubicle of: O. Handwasher

Local Man Doing Just Fine Living on Caffeine

HILLSBORO, OR - A local man, who repeatedly asked to “rename eponymous” (sic) is doing just fine going through life completely “jacked” on caffeine.

“Really, really, it’s totally fine,” said the man.  “I’m doing just great.  What?  Did you hear something?  I could’ve sworn I heard a rattlesnake.”  He then whispered, “They’re watching me!”

He says he attempts to exercise moderation in his caffeine intake.  He starts the day with a cup of plain black coffee with breakfast, then has a cappuccino around ten in the morning, right after his morning smoke break.  He then ingests a Full Throttle before lunchtime, followed by lunch with a Coke and a smoke.  After his afternoon smoke, he adds in a Red Bull.  He always cuts off caffeine consumption after 11pm.

Even with this level of consumption, he doesn’t worry about possible addiction.

“Am I addicted?  No way!  I could quit any time.  I just like the buzzed feeling I get from staying juiced.  What, you don’t believe me?  You callin’ me a liar?  Whoa…sorry, dude.  I must’ve missed my afternoon hit.  Oh, man, does my head hurt!”

The interview would have continued, but the man is currently asleep, leaning against a wall outside a conference room.

Source: O. Handwasher

Dear Hillsboro Driver,

Perhaps your otherwise harmonious, 32-mph commute has recently been jostled by the appearance of an annoying phenomemon: the cyclist.  There has been a major uptick in the numbers of these pests, and dealing with them can be difficult.  Here are a few tips for making their commute as miserable as yours:

1. Take away the bike lane - Why should the cyclists get their own lane?  That lane is rightfully yours to use to find out What is Going On Up There?  Whenever the mood strikes, just stick your front fender out there.
2. Invite collisions - There’s nothing more annoying than being stuck in a long line of stationary traffic and then seeing a cyclist flying by.  Why should he get to cruise while you sit?  Make it more interesting for him by randomly stopping to let other cars in.  You can even justify it as being kind to other drivers.  Time it so the cyclist’s path will intersect with the crossing driver.  Grievous injury is funny.
3. Four-way-stop, four ways to harass - The last thing you want to be is predictable.  When you come to the four-way-stop, you’re probably aware that right-of-way goes to the vehicle on the right (Oh, right, you didn’t know that…Never mind).  The cyclist probably does know this, and will expect you do abide by the rules.  Don’t.  Actually, do.  Sometimes.  Other times, give him a wave and let him go.  If he refuses, go yourself.  Or give him the wave, then go, and honk at him if he tries to.  I titled this “four ways to harass,” but there are probably infinite permutations here.
4. No bike lane, no bikey - Technically, when there’s no bike lane, the cyclist is entitled to the entire lane.  In such a situation, you may find yourself behind the cyclist.  Don’t take it sitting down.  Rev your engine loudly.  Even if you have an opportunity to pass, you can irritate the cyclist (and your fellow drivers) more by hanging out until the cyclist moves over.  In the event you feel you need to pass, go ahead, but give the cyclist a nice blast of the horn.
5. If you’re wrong, honk - Sometimes you won’t be consciously thinking about trying to irritate cyclists, but you’ll still do something they’d refer to as “moronic.”  This unexpected boon can be turned into cyclist-irritant-gold.  Just give him a blast of the horn.  Maybe three or four seconds’ worth.  You did something wrong.  Why not take it out on him?  Just because you weren’t trying to drive like an idiot doesn’t mean you shouldn’t admit to being one.

Following these simply guidelines will help ensure that Hillsboro is a terrible place for bike commuters.  Do your part, and then get back out there and drive 32 in a 45 zone and 34 in a 25!!!  Drive like a Hillsboroan!!!

Sincerely,

Maurice “I Honk, Therefore I am” Ron

Press Theorizes Dark Electorate to Explain Voting Gap

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Associated Press has now gone the way of physicists. Physicists, noting that the universe behaves in ways not consistent with its apparent mass, have long postulated the existence of so-called “dark matter” to explain the discrepancy. The press have now done the same when it comes to explaining election outcomes.

Noting that polls, scientifically done with biases included, incorrectly predicted victories for the Democrats in both 2000 and 2004, there was only one conclusion: Dark Electorate.

“There seem to be voters out there that we don’t know about,” said Mr. Herman Ettic, a spokesman for AP, “We just haven’t been able to figure out who’s voting for the other side. We certainly don’t know anybody who does…”

It has been speculated that this Dark Electorate may exist in mainly rural areas and Alaska.

“We haven’t heard from them for almost four years, so maybe they’ve gone away,” stated Mr. Ettic. “But I suspect we’ll see their influence again in the coming months.”

Source: O.Handwasher

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Yes, this borders on blogging about politics.  Really, though, it’s about what passes for news reporting these days.  If you don’t believe that reporting on polling data is a deeply flawed and biased process, I have neither the time nor the inclination to even begin to try to start attempting to do my level-best to put in a half-hearted effort at explaining it.  I might have had time before I wrote that last sentence.  Still don’t have the inclination, though.

British Researchers Disprove Monkey Theory, Explain Olbermann

PLYMOUTH, UK - Researchers at the University of Plymouth have disproved the spirit of the theory, sometimes attributed to Thomas Henry Huxley, that an infinite number of monkeys typing randomly could produce the works of Shakespeare.

The researchers placed a computer in an enclosure with six Celebes Crested Macaques in Paignton Zoo in Devon, England for a month.  The total output:  about five pages, mostly consisting of the letter S, but also featuring A, J, L, and M.

The monkeys’ major output was in the form of urine and feces which were targeted at the computer and keyboard.

Clearly, the experiment did not feature an infinite number of monkeys, and therefore did not truly disprove the Monkey Shakespeare Theory.  It did, however, shed quite a bit of light on the work of a certain MSNBC “news” personality.  The monkeys’ work has been called¹ “strikingly similar” to that of Keith Olbermann, in smell if not in content.

Source: O. Handwasher

¹Mr. Handwasher has made this comparison.

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BTW, the study is on the level.  It happened in 2003, at which time Mr. Olbermann was still only talking about sports, an area in which he has actual experience and talent.  I bear no true enmity for Mr. Olbermann.  Indeed, I admire his ability to get paid for what he does.

New EU Advertising Guidelines Proposed

MYOPIA, EUROPE - The European Union wants its television commercials cleaned up. Dissatisfied with the sometimes demeaning portrayal of women, as either stupid or sex-objects, the EU has proposed a law to ban all “sexist” ads.
From www.telegraph.co.uk:

Swedish MEP Eva-Britt Svensson urged Britain and other members to use existing equality, sexism and discrimination laws to control advertising.

She wants regulatory bodies set up to monitor ads and introduce a “zero-tolerance” policy against “sexist insults or degrading images”.

In a related story, Ms. Svensson has stated that she feels men in television commercials aren’t coming off as quite stupid enough. She doesn’t want men to be portrayed as stereotypically stupid, but realistically stupid.

Source: O. Handwasher and The Daily Telegraph