Collateral Bloggage

24-Oct-2008
EMPLOYEE COMMUNICATIONS
Dear Valued Employee,
Perhaps you’ve noticed that our high-tech yet unreliable automatic paper towel dispensers have been even less reliable lately.  Please do not assume this is accidental.  We at Corporate found that employees have simply been relying too much on paper towels for their hand-drying needs.
As a result, Corporate has mandated that the towel [...]

17-OCT-2008
EMPLOYEE COMMUNICATIONS
Dear Employee,
In the interest of improving our workforce’s productivity, the Board of Directors, in cooperation with the CEO, COO, CFO, and CMO of Incorporated Corporation Corp, Inc., have decided on a plan of action.  New tools for source code management, documentation, and defect tracking will be rolled out company-wide.
The new tools, bought at great [...]

Local Man Doing Just Fine Living on Caffeine
HILLSBORO, OR - A local man, who repeatedly asked to “rename eponymous” (sic) is doing just fine going through life completely “jacked” on caffeine.
“Really, really, it’s totally fine,” said the man.  “I’m doing just great.  What?  Did you hear something?  I could’ve sworn I heard a rattlesnake.”  He [...]

Dear Hillsboro Driver,
Perhaps your otherwise harmonious, 32-mph commute has recently been jostled by the appearance of an annoying phenomemon: the cyclist.  There has been a major uptick in the numbers of these pests, and dealing with them can be difficult.  Here are a few tips for making their commute as miserable as yours:

Take away the [...]

Press Theorizes Dark Electorate to Explain Voting Gap
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Associated Press has now gone the way of physicists. Physicists, noting that the universe behaves in ways not consistent with its apparent mass, have long postulated the existence of so-called “dark matter” to explain the discrepancy. The press have now done the same when [...]

British Researchers Disprove Monkey Theory, Explain Olbermann
PLYMOUTH, UK - Researchers at the University of Plymouth have disproved the spirit of the theory, sometimes attributed to Thomas Henry Huxley, that an infinite number of monkeys typing randomly could produce the works of Shakespeare.
The researchers placed a computer in an enclosure with six Celebes Crested Macaques in [...]

New EU Advertising Guidelines Proposed
MYOPIA, EUROPE - The European Union wants its television commercials cleaned up. Dissatisfied with the sometimes demeaning portrayal of women, as either stupid or sex-objects, the EU has proposed a law to ban all “sexist” ads.
From www.telegraph.co.uk:
Swedish MEP Eva-Britt Svensson urged Britain and other members to use existing equality, sexism and [...]

NFL Defensive Lineman REALLY Proud of Tackle
LOWBROW, USA - A Defensive Lineman for a prominent NFL team is really, really proud of a play he made in last weekend’s game.  He wants it made clear that he’s just really, really pumped that he was able to break free from the other big, fat “athlete” on [...]

Dear Sir or Madam,
We’re writing you this letter to inform you that your son is simply too good to play baseball for our league.
Perhaps this sounds strange.  You may think that Youth League Baseball would want to bring in as many talented players as possible.  This is simply not true.  We are, in fact, attempting [...]

Area Man Not Trying to be a Jerk, Succeeding in Spite of Lack of Effort
HILLSBORO, OR - An area man really isn’t trying to be a jerk.  He’s just speaking his mind.  The fact that he succeeds in coming off like a jerk shouldn’t be construed as indicating a particular effort on his part.  It [...]