Foney Friday: Defective Discipline
Dad Outlines Plan for Correcting Son's Behavior
WASHINGTON, DC---A Local Dad is pretty upset with the behavior of his son and has decided to outline a plan to correct his behavior.
Mr. P. Resident realizes that the first step is in recognizing that the behavior of his son, Stan, is completely unacceptable and must be corrected.
"This kind of behavior requires swift and sure action, and it's a fight that I and his mother are determined to win," said Mr. Resident.
He further explained that in order to bring about the behavioral changes he requires, Stan will be sent to his room until his attitude improves and he apologizes.
He will also be allowed to leave his room after thirty minutes with or without behavioral changes.
Mr. Resident thinks this strategy will work.
Source: O.Handwasher, who thinks a good whuppin' is in order.
Foney Friday: Unload That Cargo!
JAPAN--- In a move termed* “bizarre” and “just downright strange,” Japan’s All Nippon Airlines has decided to crack down on its passengers’ full bladders. Indeed, the airline will be encouraging/asking passengers to avail themselves of airport restrooms before boarding.
This movement, so to speak, is intended to cut down on excess weight, thereby reducing fuel usage and carbon emissions.
The news came as a crushing blow to all those hoards of passengers who are just dying to squeeze into the airplane restroom, then have a difficult time even turning around in the space, have their ears blown out by the volcanic flush of the toilet, then struggle to escape with their hands adequately cleansed due to poor handwashing design.
Source: O.Handwasher, who is not known as Iron Bladder for nothing
* By this columnist
Too Funny Tuesday: Under Pressure
The Return of Too Funny Tuesdays!!!! For today, at least. No promises on my dredging up something funny next week.
This video is somewhat yucky, but the punch line is great.
You’ve gotta love foreign commercials.
Foney Friday: Never Metaphor I Couldn’t Mix
I consider the English language to be my personal playground. I love coming up with new ways of expressing myself, and the mixed metaphor is at the head of the crop.
Of course, there are two kinds of metaphor-mixing to be done, and they’re as different as night and ice. The First Kind is to smash-up two metaphors into one nonsensical one. The Second Kind involves putting two normal metaphors back to back in a way that doesn’t make sense. Which kind should I use?
The First Kind is easier, so I’ve been advised to go that route. But that kind of advice really goes in one ear and off a duck’s back. I’ve never been one to take the lesser of two high roads.
And it’s not like the First Kind is like shooting fish in a barrel of monkeys with a ten-foot-pole. It can be quite a jagged pill to hoe, or even a tough row to swallow.
The Second Kind is definitely harder. You have to really step up to the plate and throw a Hail Mary and drive hard to the rim, pressing hard toward the finish line the whole way. It takes concentration and the kind of tunnel vision that lets you hear a pin drop. It’s not for the faint of heart to go rushing in where angels fear to tread.
All of this places me on the ropes of a dilemma. Straddling the fence post. But do I have to choose? No!, I say. I’ll side with the great Yogi. When I come to a fork in the road, I’ll take it.
I say that, at least for now, I’m going to stick to my ribs and keep the pedal to the grindstone. I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other and let nothing move me. I’ll swim against the current and go with the crowd. As for the decision, I’ll cross that bridge when I jump in with both feet.
After all, who wants to be stuck between a rock and a conundrum?
From O.Handwasher’s forthcoming book, English as a Secondhand Language
Foney Friday: Bite-Sized Foneys
Apparently not able to come up with my own ideas anymore, I just looked at Popular Stories on a news site and decided to tweak them a bit. See if you can find where I veered into snarkasm.
Security Priorities:
In a security drill, investigators smuggled bomb components into 10 government buildings. They then used the bathrooms to assemble the bombs and carried them into several offices without being questioned. In more positive news, local libraries are still keeping people from taking out the books without checking them out.
Is This Mean?:
Oscar Mayer died Tuesday at the age of ninety-five. His last words were reported to be: "It's people!"
Ground Meat:
Two men were arrested and charged with animal cruelty after dragging a stubborn bull behind their car for a half-mile. In an effort to make amends with the local populous, they're holding a burger cookout later this week.
Save our Stupidity!:
A Canadian natural gas pipeline was bombed for the sixth time in nine months, the work of apparent environmental activists. Because nothing says "Save the Planet" like exploding fossil fuels.
Foney Friday: Want Flies With That?
Obama taking a hard line on fly terrorism
WASHINGTON, DC --- President Obama is making it clear he's not taking any guff from flying insects. While filming an interview with CNBC, Obama administered an epic beatdown to a particularly persistent pest.
(video embedded)
Many are praising the President's initiative and fly-killing technique, saying that this country needs decisive and inspired leadership in the larger war on vermin.
Still others worry that such an aggressive response will only serve to embolden the fringe factions in the fly community, leading to an escalation in fly terrorism.
Source: O.Handwasher, proud member of the National Rubberband Association, dedicated to arming the citizenry against the forces of crawling and flying creepiness.
Foney Friday: Think Outside Your Waistline
Fast Food Franchise Turning Molehills Into Mountains
PRIMETIME, TV -- Taco Bell this week unveiled a new series of their infamous "Fourthmeal" commercials with the novel tagline, "because obesity doesn't happen on its own."
There's really nothing much more to add to that.
Source: O. Handwasher, who recognizes he hasn't done this in a while and wanted to start back in with a short one.
Foney Fridays: Soap Springs Eternal
Local Man Takes to Washing His Hands
HILLSBORO, OR -- A Hillsboro man has decided that it's time he started washing his hands more often. The deciding factor: Swine Flu.
"That Swine Flu is scary, man. I'm just going to do my part and not spread disease."
At least, he's not going to spread that disease. Because the man still doesn't think much of washing after using the toilet.
Said the man, "Look, I'll wash after I sneeze, because that's what the signs I'm seeing popping up all over my building say. But don't expect me to go all uber-hygienic or anything. I'll still wash after using the toilet the way I always have."
Asked for more specifics on his post-evacuation-hand-cleansing, he explained that he believes coliform bacteria are frightened off at the mere proximity of water, so his sub-two-second "washing" works. But after a cough or a sneeze, he'll be serious about it and even use soap.
So be safe out there, my friends, for it appears that there's more than one kind of pig spreading disease these days.
Source: O.Handwasher, who was into the whole hygiene thing before it was cool.
Foney Friday: Porcine Popularity Plunge
Ray Stevens Jeered at Concert
TEXAS--Ray Stevens, the popular comedic singer, was booed off the stage last week after choosing to perform his classic song, "Kiss a Pig." Mr. Stevens got into trouble when singing lyrics referring to hugging swine and expressing affection for certain ethnic pigs. The latter issue confused the singer.
"Look, I'd understand if people were upset if I'd rewritten the song, but I never sang that I liked Mexican Pigs. Sure, I'm especially fond of Pole and China Porkers, but I didn't say anything about the ones making us sick. What's the big deal here?"
"And besides," continued the singer, "Some of my good pig friends are still mad at me over the whole 'humans eating them' thing. And you don't see them booing me when I'm singing about how my pig buddy was my breakfast now and then. I guess it just proves my point about pigs being nicer than people."
Source: O. Handwasher, who's beginning to look like the narrator in The Haircut Song.
Too Funny Tuesday: News in the Key of C
Yes, I neglected to Monday Morning Muse yesterday. I blame baseball. First game was fun, BTW.
But I just had a drive-by recommend I had to pass on. Pure genius. Rated PG for allowed-by-tv-but-still-bad language.