Foney Friday: Defective Discipline
Dad Outlines Plan for Correcting Son's Behavior
WASHINGTON, DC---A Local Dad is pretty upset with the behavior of his son and has decided to outline a plan to correct his behavior.
Mr. P. Resident realizes that the first step is in recognizing that the behavior of his son, Stan, is completely unacceptable and must be corrected.
"This kind of behavior requires swift and sure action, and it's a fight that I and his mother are determined to win," said Mr. Resident.
He further explained that in order to bring about the behavioral changes he requires, Stan will be sent to his room until his attitude improves and he apologizes.
He will also be allowed to leave his room after thirty minutes with or without behavioral changes.
Mr. Resident thinks this strategy will work.
Source: O.Handwasher, who thinks a good whuppin' is in order.
Foney Friday: Unload That Cargo!
JAPAN--- In a move termed* “bizarre” and “just downright strange,” Japan’s All Nippon Airlines has decided to crack down on its passengers’ full bladders. Indeed, the airline will be encouraging/asking passengers to avail themselves of airport restrooms before boarding.
This movement, so to speak, is intended to cut down on excess weight, thereby reducing fuel usage and carbon emissions.
The news came as a crushing blow to all those hoards of passengers who are just dying to squeeze into the airplane restroom, then have a difficult time even turning around in the space, have their ears blown out by the volcanic flush of the toilet, then struggle to escape with their hands adequately cleansed due to poor handwashing design.
Source: O.Handwasher, who is not known as Iron Bladder for nothing
* By this columnist
Foney Friday: Bite-Sized Foneys
Apparently not able to come up with my own ideas anymore, I just looked at Popular Stories on a news site and decided to tweak them a bit. See if you can find where I veered into snarkasm.
Security Priorities:
In a security drill, investigators smuggled bomb components into 10 government buildings. They then used the bathrooms to assemble the bombs and carried them into several offices without being questioned. In more positive news, local libraries are still keeping people from taking out the books without checking them out.
Is This Mean?:
Oscar Mayer died Tuesday at the age of ninety-five. His last words were reported to be: "It's people!"
Ground Meat:
Two men were arrested and charged with animal cruelty after dragging a stubborn bull behind their car for a half-mile. In an effort to make amends with the local populous, they're holding a burger cookout later this week.
Save our Stupidity!:
A Canadian natural gas pipeline was bombed for the sixth time in nine months, the work of apparent environmental activists. Because nothing says "Save the Planet" like exploding fossil fuels.
Foney Friday: Want Flies With That?
Obama taking a hard line on fly terrorism
WASHINGTON, DC --- President Obama is making it clear he's not taking any guff from flying insects. While filming an interview with CNBC, Obama administered an epic beatdown to a particularly persistent pest.
(video embedded)
Many are praising the President's initiative and fly-killing technique, saying that this country needs decisive and inspired leadership in the larger war on vermin.
Still others worry that such an aggressive response will only serve to embolden the fringe factions in the fly community, leading to an escalation in fly terrorism.
Source: O.Handwasher, proud member of the National Rubberband Association, dedicated to arming the citizenry against the forces of crawling and flying creepiness.
Foney Friday: Think Outside Your Waistline
Fast Food Franchise Turning Molehills Into Mountains
PRIMETIME, TV -- Taco Bell this week unveiled a new series of their infamous "Fourthmeal" commercials with the novel tagline, "because obesity doesn't happen on its own."
There's really nothing much more to add to that.
Source: O. Handwasher, who recognizes he hasn't done this in a while and wanted to start back in with a short one.
Foney Fridays: Soap Springs Eternal
Local Man Takes to Washing His Hands
HILLSBORO, OR -- A Hillsboro man has decided that it's time he started washing his hands more often. The deciding factor: Swine Flu.
"That Swine Flu is scary, man. I'm just going to do my part and not spread disease."
At least, he's not going to spread that disease. Because the man still doesn't think much of washing after using the toilet.
Said the man, "Look, I'll wash after I sneeze, because that's what the signs I'm seeing popping up all over my building say. But don't expect me to go all uber-hygienic or anything. I'll still wash after using the toilet the way I always have."
Asked for more specifics on his post-evacuation-hand-cleansing, he explained that he believes coliform bacteria are frightened off at the mere proximity of water, so his sub-two-second "washing" works. But after a cough or a sneeze, he'll be serious about it and even use soap.
So be safe out there, my friends, for it appears that there's more than one kind of pig spreading disease these days.
Source: O.Handwasher, who was into the whole hygiene thing before it was cool.
Foney Friday: Porcine Popularity Plunge
Ray Stevens Jeered at Concert
TEXAS--Ray Stevens, the popular comedic singer, was booed off the stage last week after choosing to perform his classic song, "Kiss a Pig." Mr. Stevens got into trouble when singing lyrics referring to hugging swine and expressing affection for certain ethnic pigs. The latter issue confused the singer.
"Look, I'd understand if people were upset if I'd rewritten the song, but I never sang that I liked Mexican Pigs. Sure, I'm especially fond of Pole and China Porkers, but I didn't say anything about the ones making us sick. What's the big deal here?"
"And besides," continued the singer, "Some of my good pig friends are still mad at me over the whole 'humans eating them' thing. And you don't see them booing me when I'm singing about how my pig buddy was my breakfast now and then. I guess it just proves my point about pigs being nicer than people."
Source: O. Handwasher, who's beginning to look like the narrator in The Haircut Song.
Foney Fridays: April Not-Suffering-Fools-Lightly Day
Transcript from a real* IT call on April Fools' Day:
IT: "Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?"
Caller: "Umm...no, it's not a problem with my computer. It's the Company Home Page."
IT: "The company line on this, sir, is that every one of those so-called informative articles is worth your time. And worth what we payed somebody to write them."
Caller: "No, the content is fine. Well, sort of. I mean, some of the articles are weird. We're merging with GE, really? I mean, that's above my pay grade. But it's really the stock quote I was wondering about. It says stock's at $350, which seems really high since the Yahoo! quote is more like $15.
IT: "Oh, right. What's your ID number again? We'll have somebody out there in just a tick."
Caller: "An IT guy's going to come to my desk?"
IT: "Nope. A security guard. He'll be walking you out of the building."
*"real" = "if only 'twere real, 'twould be 'twerrific"
Source: O.Handwasher, who finds contentment in not paying too much attention to the company's stock quote.
Foney Fridays: Snarkness Falls
Local Blogger Experiencing Snark Deficiency
HILLSBORO, OR -- A local blogger, read by vast numbers of several people, is having trouble channeling his inner sarcastic jerk. Said the man, "I'm just having a hard time writing satire these days. I just hope nobody thinks I've gone soft."
It's going on a month now since Mr. Handwasher published anything even remotely snarky, and he hopes that fans of his satire aren't getting too anxious.
"Rest assured, I've got snark in me still," said Handwasher, "and I'll do something eventually. I wanted to write something mean about the stupidity of Daylight Saving Time, but nothing worked out. Still, the concept is somewhat self-mocking."
In lieu of a satirical post this week, Mr. Handwasher asks you, his legion of loyal readers who probably couldn't fill an elevator, to think some snarky thoughts about Daylight Saving Time, or anything else that seems to invite snarky thoughts. And he'd also like to know if anyone else knew that it's "Saving" time, and not "Savings" time. Because he totally didn't know that.
Source: O.Handwasher, who seriously might write something next week
Foney Fridays: Asterisk Management
Baseball Player Fails to Hit For the PED-Denial-Cycle
MLB, US -- A well-known baseball player has failed to hit for the cycle. And no, we're not talking about hitting a single, double, triple and home run in the same game. We're talking about the other cycle: the Performance Enhancing Drugs (PED) Denial Cycle. Unfortunately, it's become all too common these days for a famous player to perform this feat. Here's how it generally goes:
Single - The player moralizes about how "some guys" feel they need an edge, but he never has.
Double - Denial of ever using steroids or other PEDs.
Triple - In the face of an apparent positive test, denial of ever "knowingly" taking PEDs.
Home Run - Admission of taking something, with emphasis on it being back when "young and stupid."
There's a certain amount of mixing up that can go on. Optionally, between the Single and Double, the player could go before Congress (a body specifically convened to watchdog baseball and not other such trivialities as running the actual government). He could wag his finger at the committee and say that he had never taken steroids. "Not ever!" could even be added for emphasis. To add emphasis to the Triple, the player could perhaps accuse some of his former teammates of "slipping" him something.
The MLB Players' Union has expressed disappointment in the player for skipping from Double to Homerun, passing over Triple altogether.
"It really just shows what a selfish player he is," said D. Nigh, a spokesperson for the union. "He's all about padding his interview stats. You really hope that a guy of his caliber will take one for the league and play his part. Instead, he just went straight for the admission."
Asked to respond to this, the unnamed player said, "You know, you've just gotta take it one interview at a time. I just want to go out there and do my best, put a good quote on the page and let the interview come to me." He then added, "And I'm not getting any respect here, anyway. I mean, yeah, I went for the Homer, but how about some props for the whole 'I'm not sure what I tested positive for' stuff? It's that kind of intangible stuff nobody ever notices."
Source: O.Handwasher, who knowingly uses Wordpress.org to get a boost in Blogging Performance