Sci-Fi Friday: 2010
I toyed with the idea of going with Sci-Friday or Science Fiction Friday, or Sci-Fiday or some such, but ultimately went with something both pithy and easily understood.
We spent last week at the beach, and I don’t know about other folks, but I don’t get much reading done while on vacation. I didn’t pick up my Bible once, though the fact that I’m about three months ahead in my read-through softens the blow somewhat. I really only read about half of a book. Something about being at the seaside makes me want to read science fiction. Normally I’ll just bring along Speaker for the Dead and call it good. But since I had a sci-fi title on my To Be Read list, I figured I’d give it a go.
(BTW, sometimes one sees interesting wildlife at the beach. Baby seal: very cute. Dead adult seal and sea otter: not cute. Cool, though.)
2010: Odyssey Two, by Arthur C. Clarke, is the sequel to the inimitable and enigmatic 2001: A Space Odyssey, the film
version of which has been confusing people and causing less-than-honest people to lie about understanding it for about forty years now.
Somehow I expected 2010 to be its own story, but it’s really not. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. 2001 left a bunch of unanswered questions behind, and 2010 does a nice job of at least hinting at answers to most of them. You find out a bit more of what happened to Dave Bowman,what happened with HAL, where the monoliths come from, and what the folks who sent them were trying to do. So in that sense the book is a complete success.
More than anything, you really get a sense in this book of what an undertaking space travel would be, and all the variables that go into getting from one point to another. Of course, it’s even more of an undertaking than Clarke imagined, seeing as how we don’t have bases on the moon or missions to Jupiter. Bummer about that.
The book follows a joint United States/USSR team (Clarke wasn’t quite spot-on on his geopolitical futurism here) as they journey to find out what happened to the Discovery and try to salvage the failed mission. The prose is nice and clear, the new Russian characters are quite enjoyable, and the suspense and mystery are solid. I really have nothing bad to say about it.
My dad recommends that I don’t read the rest of the series. And since he recommended another Clarke title, Childhood’s End, I think I’ll take his word for it. I’m actually fine with reading only part of a series. In fact, I’m so comfortable with stopping in the middle of something that I
(I kinda liked my little joke there. But seriously I have very little else to say. Except that I’ve started The Battle of the Labyrinth and it will probably be my next review. Try to carry on until then. Now, in the comments, you can tell me honestly if you thought my cutting off in the middle was deliberate or not.)
Wordful Wednesday: Slaughterhouse-five
Well, I finished reading Slaughterhouse-five, by Kurt Vonnegut, a couple of days ago, and I’m still not quite sure what to make of it. It’s certainly interesting, and I’ve never read another book quite like it. And I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it. But I’m still, as I often say at home, cornfused.
For those who know absolutely nothing about the book, it’s semi-autobiographical, in that it has scenes (no better way to describe them) from Vonnegut’s experiences as a POW during the firebombing of Dresden in WWII. But it’s also a science-fiction story, following the protagonist (Billy Pilgrim) on his skipping through time, from his pre-capture days after the Battle of the Bulge, to his captivity in Dresden and earlier, to his late life as a widower and general crazy person, to his captivity
and display in the zoos of the planet Tralfamadore. You read that last sentence correctly.
Needless to say, we’re looking at non-linear storytelling here. At first, I understood that Billy became unstuck in time as a result of his capture by the Tralfamadorians, and so the structure of the book resulted from that. But as I read on, I realized that the other main feature of the book, an undercurrent of fatalism, also sprang from the loins of that event.
“So it goes,” is repeated dozens of times, normally accompanying what one would probably term bad news. Someone dies. So it goes. Someone suffers. So it goes. I’m not sure how many times the phrase is repeated, but it’s definitely in the dozens. Anybody have that bit of trivia for me?
Of course, the fatalism comes from the nature of the Tralfamadorians’ experience of time, and from Billy Pilgrim’s knowledge of the larger arc of his life, including his death.
Slaughterhouse-five is considered an anti-war classic, but I didn’t feel that Vonnegut exactly hammered on any particular anti-war point. He certainly portrayed the horrors of the Dresden bombings, though the fatalistic “so it goes” refrain makes an odd juxtaposition. I’m not sure that even the most pro-war partisan could defend the Dresden bombings, though.
I’m afraid I don’t have much else to say about the book, except that I’ve read that it’s among Vonnegut’s more coherent works, and I find that fairly hard to believe.
I should also mention that there’s a bit of adult content in the book, including an (as far as I can tell) entirely unnecessary doodle of a woman’s bare chest (focusing on the locket she wears). I’ve read that the book was banned fairly widely as a result of the questionable content, but I didn’t find it to be overly graphic.
Oh, and this is another title off my To Be Read list. Woo!
Next up might be The Black Cauldron. Or The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. So it goes.
Fiction Friday: Childhood’s End
Back in November when I read 2001: A Space Odyssey, my dad recommended another Arthur C. Clarke title. Dad knows his stuff.
Childhood’s End is about a lot. The more I’ve thought about it, the more layers I’ve found in the story, even though the actual plot is fairly simple.
In many ways, it’s like the new V show. Aliens show up, flash their superior technology, and offer to help humanity out. Whether the Overlords in Childhood’s
End ever turn out to be evil, I won’t reveal.
One of the core questions in the book is actually sociological and psychological: Take away suffering and striving, and what is humanity left with? Most of us probably think it’d be great to be free of striving after our wants and needs. And on an individual basis, it’s probably true that it’d be pretty terrific.
But what if all of humanity suddenly had nothing to strive for? What would happen to science? To art? To society? (Clarke also has religion taken out of the picture, which is a popular science-fiction author’s daydream, but I have to be honest that it is necessary to the plot of the novel.)
Another question involves the idea of a mind in the cosmos, but I can’t write much about it without giving away the core mystery in the book. (Of course, as a Christian, there’s no question to me of their being a Mind in the cosmos.)
As I said, this isn’t a complicated story. There aren’t plots and subplots, but the narrative shifts through different eras of humanity’s interaction with the Overlords. And each time, the reader sees more of who and what the Overlords are, and I found myself sympathizing with them and even feeling sorry for them. But again, I can’t reveal too much without completely spoiling the book.
I really admired how Clarke didn’t leave any plot points dangling. One character, in particular, leaves the narrative for a good portion of the book, and I had no idea how he would be important again in the story. But he was. And there was an odd section showing how the humans of The Golden Age entertained themselves, involving, of all things, a Ouija Board. I had no idea how the scene could possibly be significant to the story. But it was.
I’d love to see a film adaptation of this book, but I think it would be a strange movie. Because I’m not sure how the climax of the book would look. In fact, when I think about it, 2001 has some strikingly similar concepts in it. Hmm. I’ll have to google it.
Not sure what’s next up. I have a mop-up non-fiction from last year to finish, and I just started The Princess Bride.
Fiction Friday: 2001
I’ve sometimes wondered if 2001: A Space Odyssey was a test to ferret out pretentious film geeks. Anyone claiming to understand it would be nailed.
The Fair Elaine and I watched it a few years ago and just kind of sat there in a very “Umm…what?” kind of way when the film ended.
But, assured (by my esteemed colleague in pavement pounding) that the novel, by Arthur C. Clarke, made more sense, I picked it up at the Library Used Book Sale.
And it certainly made a ton more sense than the movie. Due to, you know, actual words being used. From the opening scene with the ape-men, and even to the end with the Star Child, the book beats the ever-living snot out of the movie, in terms of sense-making.
One other reason I picked up this book was that, well, next year is 2010, and I felt I should maybe read that book. So I had to read the first volume first. Now I’m kind of regretting that I didn’t pick up the whole series when I had the chance (at the book sale).
(I also want to see the 2010 movie.)
I do have to admit that the ending of the book is still somewhat confusing, but it’s a far cry from the brain twister of the film.
If you’ve seen the film, you’ll probably enjoy the book more. I know, right? That never happens! If you haven’t seen it, I’d actually suggest reading the book first, then viewing the movie through its lens.
I’ve got another review queued up for later today, so check back if you’re interested in reading my impressions of Brighty of the Grand Canyon.
Wordful Wednesday: Button, Button
I can’t claim to have ever been a huge fan of The Twilight Zone, but there are several episodes of the show that I really enjoyed. One in particular I’ve always remembered was called Button, Button, and it’s now being expanded from the original source into a new movie titled The Box, starring James Marsden and Cameron Diaz.
When I investigated the new movie, that’s when I discovered that both the Twilight Zone episode and the film are based on a Richard Matheson (I Am Legend) short story titled, as you might expect, Button, Button.
And the Library had a collection of Matheson’s short work. Button, Button: Uncanny Stories is a decent collection of some very different stories. Some are quite short (indeed, the titular one isn’t even ten pages long), while others are closer
to novella size. And the topics aren’t at all similar, either, though they probably all fall under a loose science-fiction/fantasy umbrella.
Button, Button is a great story and the short length is perfect. It asks a simple question: How much is a human life worth?
In the story, a mysterious package arrives at a home of a husband and wife. In the package is a box with a button on it. A mysterious man shows up and instructs the couple that if they push the button, they’ll receive $50,000 (quite a sum back in 1970), and someone they don’t know will die.
As I said, the story is short, so the deliberations between the two characters are brief, and the ending is a classic twist. I’m not sure how it’ll be expanded into a feature-length movie, although I’m almost certain the punch line will be changed (as it was in the Twilight Zone episode).
The other stories I enjoyed most were Mute, about a boy brought up to be telepathic being thrust into a world of talkers, and A Flourish of Strumpets, about a door-to-door service pedaling female companionship, with an absolutely poetic twist at the end. There’s also a hilarious one called The Creeping Terror about Los Angeles taking over the country like a weed and infecting people with “Ellieitis.” As you might imagine, there’s a bit of anti-Hollywood subtext there.
There were also a couple of stories that left me scratching my head. But short stories are almost always a grab bag (well, Philip K. Dick’s stories are pretty uniformly awesome).
Ahh…the Internet. I found a YouTube of the Twilight Zone episode (it’s a multi-part one, so you’ll have to click more than once to see the whole thing). Check it out:
Oh, and if you’re curious about the other episode I fondly remembered, it’s The Man in the Bottle.
Wordful Wednesday: Slan
I’ve written lately a couple of times about my quest to read “real” science fiction, chiefly as propounded by Mr. Harlan Ellison. He held up A.E. Van Vogt as an example of a “real” science fiction author.
So, I looked him up. And I found one of his classic works, Slan, and gave it a read. Unfortunately, it just didn’t really live up to the hype.
Oh, it started off well enough, I suppose, and the world of Slan was fascinating to some extent. But the ending really left much to be desired.
The action follows two main characters for most of the book, and they’re both slans, which are basically humans with enhanced abilities. Tougher, faster, stronger, longer-lived, and with the ability to read minds.
The mindreading ability comes from the distinctive tendrils that grow alongside normal human hair, making a slan pretty easy to spot. And, as the book opens, being spotted means being bagged and tagged. And the bag is a body bag.
Yep, it’s open season on slans, with the sponsorship of the government. We get a vague idea of the heavy anti-slan propaganda used to beat the proles into a feeding frenzy. If you tell normal humans that these freaks are experimenting on their children, it raises their ire somewhat.
In the first few pages, young Jommy Cross (nine years old, I believe) has to run from the police with his mother, who is soon caught and killed. Jommy escapes only due to cooperating with a very unsavory character who looks to use him as a tool to gain wealth.
Jommy realizes he needs the protection of this loathesome person (“Granny,” and yes, she’s an old, nasty lady), so he goes along, thinking that he’ll mature in secret, then try to fulfill his mission later.
His mission? Something about finding the other slans hidden throughout the world, bringing them the secrets Jommy’s father left to him to develop, and freeing the world of human tyranny (personified in the dictator Kier Gray).
Meanwhile, another slan named Kathleen is being held as a semi-free prisoner at the Palace, where Kier Gray rules. And he jumps through hoop after hoop to protect her from the head of the anti-slan police. But Kathleen is always seemingly just a few hours from being executed. That would have to wear on a person, I’d think.
While Jommy is taking shelter with Granny, he discovers another class of slans: The Tendriless Slans, who naturally can’t read minds. Oh, and they’re not big fans of the mindreading ones. So Jommy’s got a two-front war he knows he’ll have to fight eventually.
In an effective scene, Jommy dialogues with one of the non-tendriled types and finds out that much of the anti-slan propaganda might actually be true. And he learns that slans were created through human experimentation by a certain Dr. Samuel Lann (S. Lann = “slan”).
The first half of the book builds nicely, until all of the sudden, Jommy discovers his father’s secret cache of scientific documents, understands them, and builds indestructible cars and spacecraft and creates world-beating weapons so he’s effectively a one-man-army. Who, of course, would rather not fight.
It happens so quickly (in one very short chapter) that there’s no sense of Jommy having earned his newfound power. Add to that the fact that he uses his mind-reading ability to mind-trick humans into helping him. Which isn’t violence in a murdering-people kind of way, but it’s not exactly a Good Guy thing to do, taking away people’s free will.
The climax of the book was horribly disappointing, and it all ended with a short talky section in which an obvious twist was revealed (you may’ve guessed it already) and a less obvious but still stupid one was also revealed. And a whole other section of the slan vs. tendriless slan conflict was just completely dropped.
And then it just ended. I actually checked the library listing to make sure I wasn’t missing a few chapters. It really just ended. For all the whining I’ve done about how Michael Crichton never learned how to end a book, this one really took the cake.
Look, I’m okay with an ambiguous ending to a book. Ender’s Game, one of my favorite books, has Ender heading off into space on a mission that could take him the rest of his life (though if you read Speaker for the Dead, you’ll see it doesn’t). But first, Orson Scott Card wrapped up the main plotline!!!!!
I may have to find another Van Vogt title to see if this is a systemic problem.
It probably looks like I really hated the book, and that’s just not the case. I liked Jommy Cross, and I’d have liked to read about him for a little longer. I liked the way the plot was set up. I just didn’t like the way it fell apart at the end.
BTW, this book was written over sixty years ago, and it showed in the way Van Vogt predicted atomic energy being used. Not that he couldn’t be right about it, I suppose, but some of his ideas for technology were just interesting. For instance, he had Jommy inventing weapons using “directed atomic energy” (no radiation, of course), but the humans couldn’t detect the fact that the tendriless slans had been launching spacecraft for decades. Atomic-based weapons: yes. Simple radar: no.
He also had Mars with oceans. And habitable. It’s an indicator of Van Vogt’s time, I suppose.
So now I’ve read one of the classic science fiction stories from the Golden Age of Sci-Fi, and I’m pretty much “meh” on it.
By the way, I’d definitely take recommendations on classic sci-fi I should read. I’ve read H.G. Wells, and a bit of Asimov (not Foundation, though, and I recognize I need to). Any other suggestions?
Fiction Friday: Colossus
You may be aware that I’m a science fiction fan. In fact, my current favorite book is a science fiction title (Speaker for the Dead).
So naturally, I subscribe to SciFi Wire to get all the latest news relating in any way to science fiction. Well, back in August, SciFi Wire featured an old video of Harlan Ellison (whose work I’ve read and enjoyed and puzzled over) on a panel discussing the difference between science fiction and sci-fi.
Basically it boiled down to science fiction being a literary genre in which issues of technology’s impact on humans is discussed, and sci-fi means movies or books with bugs or aliens. I’ll embed the video at the end of the post.
Mr. Ellison inspired me to check out an author I’d never heard of, but that will have to be another post (I have the book, but haven’t read it yet).
YouTube has these wonderful “related videos” that are so inviting that I couldn’t help but click one of them, titled The Ten Best Science Fiction Films. Here’s the list:
- 2001: The Space Oddyssy
- Quatermass and the Pit
- Forbidden Planet
- Metropolis
- Invasion of the Body Snatchers
- Colossus: The Forbin Project
- The Day the Earth Stood Still
- A Boy and His Dog
- Planet of the Apes
- Silent Running
I’ve only seen a couple of these films. I actually love Planet of the Apes (even though the book is better), and The Day the Earth Stood Still is rightfully a classic. 2001 is, I believe, the most baffling film I’ve ever seen, and I remain convinced that people pretend to either like or understand it. I’ve also seen two versions of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and they were both worth seeing.
For some reason, Colossus: The Forbin Project stood out to me. Perhaps it was because it starred Eric Braeden, who I enjoyed very much in Escape From the Planet of the Apes.
So when I found out it was based on a novel, I just had to pick it up. And I’m glad I did. Because Colossus, by D.F. Jones, is extremely well written and gripping, if a bit dated.
The book starts with Dr. Charles Forbin traveling to the White House to inform the President of the USNA (United States of North America) that Colossus is ready to go online. Colossus is a computer with complete autonomous control of the nation’s defenses and surveillance equipment.
One of Dr. Forbin’s objects in creating Colossus was to eliminate war by removing the crucial element of human emotion from tactical decisions. And he succeeds better than he intended.
Forbin is actually reticent about turning Colossus on, but the President won’t hear any objections and gives the order. Then he gives a press conference, revealing the existence of Colossus and even telling the world where it is. Because Colossus is so well constructed (into a mountain), there is no fear of sabotage or attack.
Soon after the press conference, Colossus reveals that it has detected another machine of its type, in Russia. The Russians do not deny the fact, but announce their machine to the world.
And then it gets interesting. Colossus wants to talk to Guardian (the Russian machine) and demands that communication lines be constructed. Forbin realizes he has no choice and complies.
The machines begin to establish a common language through derivations of math, far exceeding the knowledge of humans in the process. Which, of course, frightens the humans. They cut the communication lines, which prompts a response. Demanding the lines be restored, both Colossus and Guardian launch missiles.
Of course, the humans comply, but too late to stop the missile headed for Russia. Two thousand people die.
Forbin, the President, and the leadership of the USSR realize that Colossus and Guardian are now a danger to humanity and set out to disable them. Of course, they’ve done their job of designing them too well, and their method of fighting back will take years to implement.
Colossus suspects a plot and begins to order executions of key people on both sides. With the force of nuclear obliteration on his side, Colossus gets his way. He cages Forbin, demanding 24/7 surveillance of the designer.
Forbin comes to realize that he had wanted to remove human emotion from the equation, and he succeeded. There is no anger and no fear, but also no empathy or compassion in Colossus.
Colossus is a tale that’s been told over and over, about man reaching too far into technology and trusting his own genius too far. Comparisons with Skynet from The Terminator are valid, although Colossus never actually decides to exterminate mankind (due to them not being perceived as much of a threat).
I won’t reveal the ending of the book, but I’ll say that I really liked how it ended. And I particularly enjoyed the discussions of how humans might view a machine intelligence. Would they fear it? Hate it? Love it? Worship it?
The entire movie is actually viewable on YouTube, and it’s fairly faithful to the book, diverging in a couple of unimportant ways. And Eric Braeden is perfect as Dr. Forbin.
One thing I found amusing was the science in this science fiction book. The author rightly predicted that human technology would move from the vacuum tube to the transistor to something else, but he failed to look very far ahead in the realm of communication. In fact, all communications with Colossus in the book and film were done with teletype.
But I suppose I can hardly fault the author for not predicting the fax and the Internet. Still, it’s kind of funny to see the mixture of right and wrong predictions.
(I just found out there’s a trilogy of Colossus books, but I’m not sure I’ll pick up any of the rest of the series. I liked the way it ended in book one.)
At some point I’ll get to reading the other book I picked up because of Mr. Ellison (edit: I’ve just started it). But I thought I’d include the YouTube here:
And here’s the article referred to in the video.
Fiction Friday: The Hunger Games
Yes, okay, technically the other two book reviews I've posted this week were also fiction. But it's Friday! How can I not go with alliteration? It's true I may have a disorder that demands I alliterate over and over again. We'll call it Iterative Alliteration Disorder. Anyhoo...
It seems everyone else has read The Hunger Games, by Suzanne Collins, so I figured it was high time I did it. The fact that the sequel is currently out is a good thing, too, because that way I don’t have to wait for it (but since it’s a trilogy, I suppose there’s no rush).
I’ve described it to curious friends (and my wife, who didn’t ask) as The Running
Man, but with kids. Which is puzzling for a supposedly Young Adult book. But, there’s no language and no sex, so what are a few spearings and shootings?
It’s not really a criticism, as the book is far from gory.
The setup is quite simple: Bad stuff has happened in North America, and The Capitol has risen to power and brought order to the once fragile continent. As long as you’re in The Capitol. The rest of the country is divided into districts, and the further out you get, the rougher life is.
Add to that the fact that the government holds a lottery of sorts (called The Reaping), in which two adolescents (called tributes) are selected from each of the twelve districts to compete in an outdoor last-man-standing competition (called The Hunger Games).
That’s right: Twenty-four kids go in, one comes out alive.
Our protagonist, Katniss Everdeen (16 years old) volunteers when her younger sister is selected. Another boy, who once helped Katniss when her family was starving, is also selected.
So now we have two sympathetic characters and we have to root for one of them to kill the other at some point. It plays with your head a bit. In order to root for the protagonist, you have to cheer for her to kill all the others, or at least live on after they all die off.
Because Katniss’s rough life in District Twelve prepares her for the deprivation and brutality of the Games.
How do the Games work? Do you form alliances, knowing that eventually you’ll have to turn on each other? Do you become something you really aren’t? What kind of a government would do this?
(It seems way out there, but it’s not like we’ve never had government-sponsored brutality.)
The book is told from Katniss’s perspective, in the first person. So we never really know what’s going on in anyone else’s head. Which would be nice, especially when Peeta (the District Twelve boy) seems to betray his fellow tribute.
I won’t spoil anything about the rest of the plot, except to say that there’s a sequel. Make of that what you will.
The book is very exciting, and I never got even slightly bored with the narrative. I’m looking forward to reading the rest of the series.
Toss-up Tuesday: I, Robot – Screenplay
Have I utterly cast aside Too Funny Tuesdays? Maybe. Right now I’m all about book reviews, so that’s what I’m doing.
Perhaps you’ve seen the movie erroneously known as I, Robot, with Will Smith. I’ve seen it and somewhat enjoyed it, but it’s not I, Robot. Really, it’s not. The “book” the film was “based on” was actually a collection of Isaac Asimov’s robot-themed short stories. And they’re terrific.
(By the way, the audio version with Scott Brick is one of my favorite audio books.)
Just don’t expect to find Will Smith’s character in any of the stories. That’s right, Del Spooner, robotophobe cop, is not an Asimov creation. He probably draws some of his character from Elijah Bailey, a cop from Asimov’s Robot Novels, and some of the plot seems to come from The Caves of Steel.
This isn’t really a rant on movies being different from books. It happens, and sometimes you end up with a good movie and a great book, even though they only share a title. The Count of Monte Cristo is a good example. Enjoy both. Just don’t expect them to be anything like similar.
The problem here is that there was an excellent screenplay that could have, no, should have been made into a faithful adaptation of the original I, Robot stories. In which Susan Calvin wasn’t just eye candy (in fact, she’s characterized as quite
plain), but was the main character.
Harlan Ellison wrote it (in the 70s), and Asimov loved it. And movie producers dropped the ball.
I, Robot: The Illustrated Screenplay isn’t perfect, of course. Every fan of the original stories probably has a favorite, and one of mine didn’t make it into this screenplay. And the character featured in it is given somewhat short shrift. And he’s an important character. And some of the climax of the screenplay was confusing.
Still, the screenplay works and is totally filmable with today’s technology. It just didn’t happen. And it’s a real shame.
This was the first screenplay I’ve read, and I probably won’t read many others. It took some getting used to the different formatting, but after the adjustment, it was fairly easy to read.
Asimov and Ellison’s introductions to the work and particularly Ellison’s screed about the stupid movie producers were also worth reading.
Fanny Fiction. That is, fiction about the restroom.
Standing Objections, by Seth Heasley
For Bren Wygant, it was good to be home. Twenty years, and the place didn't look that different. As he stepped from the disembarking platform, he was delighted to see his lifelong friend Cull waving enthusiasticly at him. The friends engaged in a nice, safe, male hug. Three slaps of the back and out.
"Good to have you back, old man," said Cull.
"Who are you calling old, geezer?" replied Bren. Twenty years away, with half of that time in hypersleep, had left him virtually unaged in the intervening years. Time had not been so kind to Cull. When Bren had set out on his terraforming mission, the friends had been fresh out of the Academy of Science. Bren had always had a passion for space, and when the call came to terraform Venus, he had jumped at the chance. His specialty was pre-terraforming, and Venus would not become habitable for a further fifty years. But, all the pre-terraforming work done, Bren was back for reassignment.
Ernie Cull had always bristled at his first name. Something about an ancient holovid program with a snickering hand puppet. Besides, he loved answering his comm with a dark "S'Cull." Cull's specialty in Academy had been waste treatment, and he had his hands full on Sol 3.
"So, what are you in the mood for?" asked Cull.
"To be honest, I really just need to find a head," came the reply.
"Right this way, my man," said Cull, pointing to a very large toilet symbol.
Bren looked puzzled. "Is that how we're marking restrooms now?"
Cull gave a wry smile. "Things are changing here, Bren, and not always for the better. A few years ago a woman brought suit against a major corporation because she wanted to use the mens' sandbox. She claimed emotional distress that she had to wait in line behind other ladies powdering their noses before she could drain the lizard. You want my opinion, man? If a woman can use a urinal, she's welcome to the same head as me. Anyhow, now we all use the same ones. Actually, there are still female-only restrooms in certain places. No male-only ones, though."
"So she won?"
"In a landslide. The Dems made a big civil rights caper out of it. Sometimes I wish I'd have gone for space assignment just so I could get away from the politics down here."
"I admit, I stopped watching the news a long time ago. Just didn't seem to apply out there."
There was no door on the restroom; just a circular portal with a partition to go around. Bren thought he heard Cull stifle a chuckle, but couldnt' figure out what was funny, so he let it go. They both made their way to the urinals and commenced firing.
"What the?" Bren stepped back, trying to cover his unmentionables as he retreated. Again he heard a slight cough from Cull.
"Oh, *that*," came the amused comment.
"What?"
"Do you not have a license?"
"Of course I have a license. Ground cars, speeders, hovercars..."
"No, no, no. An Upright Urination license." Cull brandished a small card he had withdrawn from his pants pocket.
Bren couldn't make any sounds come out of his mouth.
"You have to be tested to qualify for upright urination these days. I guess some people got tired of how nasty the floor got in the mens' room. Or, if you ask me, some dude just got paranoid a woman would want to use the stand-uppers and pushed through a law that you had to meet accuracy standards."
"Wouldn't it have been simpler to just make toilets that employed some kind of force field that prevented splash back?"
"What do you think you just tried to use?" commented Cull.
"Excuse me, but I noticed quite a bit of splash back."
"That's only because you're unlicensed. The urinal detects your license if you have it on you and deactivates the prevention screen. Oh, by the way, zip up."
"Why?"
Before Cull could answer, a blue-clad officer strode into the room. Cull zipped up quickly and intercepted him. "It's okay, officer. He's an offworlder and hasn't had a chance to get licensed." The officers withdrew a folded sheet of paper from his breast pocket and brandished it, addressing Bren.
"Sir, this is a written warning for Unlicensed Upright Urination. According to U3 Statute 4, you have thirty days in which to remedy your unlicensed status or you face a fine of up to 3000 units."
Bren, shellshocked, took the paper. "Thanks."
"You'll want to make use of the stalls now, sir."
"Or maybe there's an obliging tree somewhere near," joked Bren, coming out of his state of disbelief.
"Sir, that would be an additional violation of U3 law, under Statute 6, forbidding outdoor urination."
Bren turned to Cull. "I can't pee outdoors?" Cull shook his head. "What's left to make being a man worth all the trouble? Can I still scratch if I have need? Can I still pass gas?"
Cull winced and gestured at the officer, who was about to comment. "Officer, why don't you go on your way and let me fill my friend in on a few of the changes that have happened?" The policeman looked hard at Bren, then nodded at Cull and left the room.
Bren shook his head. "Look, I still have to go. Can I stand up in the stall?"
"'Fraid not. Shield's in place there. It's only deactivated when the pressure sensors detect your lovely white cheeks on the seat."
"Great."
A few minutes later, the two friends were cleansing their hands at the counter. Cull pointed to a blinking light on Bren's sink. "That sensor there took a reading of the number of bacteria on your hands and ajusted the soap load accordingly. It'll also enforce a certain stay at the sink."
"Enforce? How?"
"Try to withdraw."
Bren attempted to pull his hands from the water stream. He found he couldn't. "Nice."
"The light'll blink rapidly, then wink out, when you're done."
Sure enough, the light deactivated as predicted, and Bren was able to stand upright. He availed himself of some towels and dried his hands. He looked at Cull as he disposed of the towels and leaned against the counter. "Just tell me all this has made a difference."
"Oh, sure it has. Communicable diseases, including the common cold, are down 93% from four years ago when the U3 laws went into effect."
"U3? Ah, Unlicensed Upright Urination. So it turns out it was men who caused all the trouble?"
"Mostly, although women have the same hand cleansing enforcement."
"Well, at least there's a health benefit to all this."
Cull smiled. "Oh, it's more than that. There's entertainment value, too. Look up there." Cull pointed at a video monitor next to the restroom portal, and Bren slowly realized he was seeing an image of himself under the caption 'U3 violator'."
He flinched. "Nice."
"Yep. There'll be a few people snickering when we walk out. The best part, though, is going to the cinema to watch people get taken down for accuracy violations. See, people are usually most desperate for relief after a 3 hour movie, and the accuracy goes to pot. Er, so to speak. Anyway, the cops swoop in and ticket people like eagles diving to grab a fish out of the lake. It's almost better than the movie. Actually, it usually is."
"Well, I guess I'll have to get licensed."
Cull nodded. "Yeah, about that. Two words: practice. It's not as easy as you might think. The obstacle course is especially tough. And the verbal is no picnic either."
"Okay," said Bren, not sure what to make of his friend's statements. "But seriously, no peeing in the Great Outdoors?"
"Nope. No place to wash your hands, so no peeing."
"That sucks. I think I'll go back to Venus. Actually, I think I could come up with some amusing limericks about this to take back with me. Venus is a word with a lot of promise for such an endeavor."
Cull stood up from where he had been leaning against the counter. "Umm, let's go. You don't wanna see this."
Bren looked toward the door again as an attractive woman in a business skirt and jacket strode in. And headed for the urinal.
"No *way*."
Author's Note: My mother would *not* approve of this story. It's bathroom talk. If I offend, I apologize. This story is not an example of anything I'd like to see. It's really just a thought of what might happen if any politicians listened to my griping about the current conditions in Mens' Rooms.
Update: 4/4/2008 - I've actually substantially altered this story and submitted it to Orson Scott Card's Intergalactic Medicine Show, but it was rejected. If you're interested in reading the updated version, drop me a note.